Hot Mess Food Review: Philly Steak Sub Shop

Since the inception of the quarantine back in March, I have significantly decreased my consumption of take-out food. I have never cooked so much in my life (making sandwiches count), and it has paid off. I have lost a whopping 8 pounds and this is largely due to cooking and having no money. However, I do indulge from time to time when I feel like blocking out the reality that I may have to start an OnlyFans account. And while my takeout consumption has decreased during Corona, I have increased my intake of Tinder and Hinge suitors, which has definitely been detrimental to my health. This is how I discovered the subject of my first-ever restaurant review.

A gentleman messaged me, professing to know the best place in town for Philly cheesesteaks. This happens to be my favorite food of all time, so I was intrigued and tried to ignore the fact that he had face tattoos. Never judge a book by its cover, but I will judge him on his taste in sandwiches. However, when I inquired as to the location of said cheesesteak, he refused to tell me. Like, seriously refused to give me the name of the place. He said he would only give it to me if I took him out and bought him a sandwich. Thinking he was joking, I verbally obliged to pay for our first date, but when I asked for the name again, he wouldn’t tell me. Do you see why I have such difficulty with online dating? Only I would have trouble getting the name of a sub shop from a man on Tinder. He eventually gave me the cross streets, so I took “Miramar and 441” and ran with it, after deleting his last message asking for pictures of my legs.

Google was able to tell me the name of the restaurant was “Philly Steak Sub Shop.” On a sidenote: I always feel weird calling any place that doesn’t have cloth napkins a “restaurant. But the definition is “a place where people pay to sit and eat meals that are cooked and served on the premises“. But can we really call places like Mc Donald’s a restaurant?? You can technically dine inside, but you will also be accosted by a homeless man trying to steal Sprite. But go ahead, Mickey D’s, go off. Anyway, my search results returned a slew of positive reviews and pictures of glorious steak sandwiches wrapped in greasy paper. I recruited a friend to join me and planned our voyage for a Sunday afternoon. My GPS said it was 20 minutes away, which is the answer every time you ask someone in Miami how far away a destination is. You’re coming from Homestead to Brickell? Oh, that’ll take about 20 minutes if you drive fast enough.
Our destination was in a magical land called Miramar, which ended up NOT being 20 minutes away which was fine, but during this pandemic, it felt like a much needed road trip. As we got off the highway and drove down State Road Whatever, we passed nothing but tire shops and a Pleasure Emporium. When my map said we were within 0 feet of our destination, I flew right by, as it looked closed. Lights out and everything. My friend said she saw the “OPEN” light on, and we turned around. Though the location looked super sketch at this point, I also knew immediately that it was going to be amazing. Here’s a few non-traditional signs that a restaurant is fire:

  • Looks like a possible crime scene, or is crime scene adjacent
  • Only accepts CASH (always in Sharpie, always in all caps)
  • Minimum of (1) female employee with a terrible attitude but will sneak you extra stuff (minimum age of 50)
  • Takeout is carried in the “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU” bags someone swiped from the gas station. Oh, and the bag your actual food is in within this plastic is splattered with grease

Other characteristics are waitresses with small spiral notebook who don’t write anything down, tan or red plastic cups that are not up to BPA standards, and styrofoam cups so thick it will keep your lean very cold. Most of this would be absent as there was no dine-in option, but I was hoping I would get a glimpse of the “mean-ass lady” from the online reviews. We park and stand outside, as only four patrons are allowed in at once. I was happy to know Philly Steak Sub Shop was practicing proper social distance guidelines! We peek into the tinted windows and see people, so we wait outisde. We peruse the menu taped to the glass, that any sensible person already studied online beforehand. There are several variations of steak, bombs, egg, burger, and chicken sandwiches (even a jerk chicken sub!) that received great reviews online. The extensive menu includes additional hot and cold sub options, and garden salad subs that looked really yummy. I also love any place that lists “Lays Chips” as a side item.

We wait a while outside before we’re able to order, but this was due to their credit card machine being down. See? This is what happens when you stop accepting cash only. But they have been busy during this entire pandemic, and are available on UberEats and DoorDash, which is an excellent option. Unfortunately, we only had credit cards. Damnit, were we going to have to loop back to the adult store to get cash? I was not leaving without my damn sandwich. Then I recalled I got cash back from Publix for the first time in 50 years, and let out a sigh of relief. The food is very affordable, with the majority of the menu under $10, but I only had $20 bucks. This meant we would have to get smaller sandwiches, and nothing else. I could let my friend starve while I ate my side order of “dirty chips” (another menu fave), but we came too far. Sandwiches come in 8″ and 12″ inch options, with the garden subs also available as salads. I ordered the Philly Cheese Steak & Onion sub. Because I’m boring but I do what I want, I always order my Philly plain, just meat & cheese, with mayonnaise and lettuce. The staff is great, and will customize the sandwich any way you’d like. My friend ordered a steak bomb, which includes bacon, mushrooms, onions, peppers, and cheese. As I pulled out my crumbled bills, my heart stopped as I longingly looked at the beverage fridge. There, on the bottom shelf, was a drink dispenser with a deep red liquid. As I squinted and leaned over, I see an office label on the container that read “KOOL-AID FRUIT PUNCH”. Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?! My heart skipped a beat, as I knew simultaneously that it was 95% sugar, delicious, and I wouldn’t be able to get any because I had to pay for my friend’s food. She’s really lucky we’re friends and there was only what appeared to be one single swig left in the container.

I go to pay for my food, and I think I’ve run into “mean lady”, who definitely does not take any shit. But you can always make friends with said woman if you give them compliments. I said thank-you after every thing she barked at me, so I asked her if $20 dollars could also get us a couple drinks. She gave me the best side-eye ever, took the cash, and said ” go head, baby”, after giving me two cups that will no doubt still be on Earth after we go extinct. We head back to the car which is now an automatic restaurant for most people. We unwrap the sandwiches and are immediately greeted with amazing smells of steak, which was seasoned to perfection. The meat is properly grilled, and not greasy. My sandwich was piping hot, and with a good amount of toppings. Again, the steak was tasty, tender, and plentiful – these sandwiches are stuffed! A Philly is always judged by its bread, and this sandwich was no exception. The hoagie bread used was soft, with a little crunch, and delicious. If this place ever decided to import Amaroso rolls for a true Philly cheesesteak, I would be here every week! The steak bomb was also very tasty, with great flavor in the veggies and bacon. Another sandwich stuffed to the brim, but fresh and delicious.

Philly Steak Sub Shop is a perfect addition to your to-do list. A local haunt sure to please any Philly lover who is looking for a damn good sandwich. I will definitely be returning to Miramar, but will make sure they have enough Kool-Aid before I get there.

Philly Steak Sub Shop

4/5 Biscuits (this means it’s good)

6025 Miramar Parkway, Miramar, FL 33023

-KEEP IT A HOT MESS

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