SH!% My Granny Says: Part 2

Doing a deep dive into Facebook will stir up a myriad of emotions: yes, you ARE old and no, you were NOT fat in 2014, but you are now. After deleting all my photos and embarrassing inspirational quotes on finding love, the only overshared snippets I kept was every word my granny has ever said to me.

Back when this blog was less successful, I posted a few words of wisdom from my grandmother and she became an overnight celebrity, within the confines of Facebook. I would tell her about her internet fame and she would let out of one of those hearty grandmother giggles that make you happy and tearful at the same time. Since 2015, she has continued to have absolutely no filter and I have continued to record everything funny she said to me that I remembered to put on social media. And now that my Facebook account is deleted (don’t kill me Zuckerberg, I’m still on the Gram), I successfully extracted the only thing that mattered – sick burns from Ruby Jewel. Enjoy!

Shit My Granny Says

My granny tells me she’s reading a new book. When I ask her to tell me about it, she proceeds to give me an actual description of the entire book – the dog’s name, what kind a dog, where the dog came from, where he went, then where he went after that, then who he met. And then what he did the next day…
***************
Talking to my Granny about the Superbowl…

Me: Granny, who do you want to win?
Granny: The Rams. Tom Brady needs to go sit his old behind down somewhere.

Why do I know for a fact that all older people use this phrase?
***************
I asked my Granny if she knew what my Christmas shirt meant (it’s a Christmas tree with “LIT AF” written across the top)

Granny: When you’re lit, that means you’re high. So…Lit AND FUN?

Mom: I know, lit AND FIERY!
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First granny quote from the holidays – we were talking about my mom because we enjoy ganging up on her together

Me: Granny, why are you agreeing with her?!?! She makes no sense!
Granny: That’s what you do with delusional people; just agree with them until you get to a safe place. And then you leave them there and run.
****************
Me: Granny, this Chihuahua bit me in the park a couple days ago.

Granny: What?!?! You need to go to the hospital!

Me: It’s no big deal, it’s not like I have rabies.

Granny: You know, it takes a week for rabies to set in.

Me: How do you… know.. wait, oh nevermind.
***************
Me: Granny, you need to learn how to use the internet.

Granny: I don’t know how to use the internet. Or the outernet. Or none of those nets.
****************
Me: Granny, are you going to take a picture of the tree?

Granny: Yes, if I decided to stand up again.

She’s done for the day…
***************
“He must be getting ready to retire if he went to school with you.”
talking about Frank Gore
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(Granny fell asleep in a movie theater and suddenly wakes up)

Granny: Sandy, do you have the remote?

Mom: Um, no.

Granny: Well, could you turn it down a little?

Mom: I would if we weren’t in the theater.

Granny: Oh.
****************
Granny: I need you to go find this hair product on the internet (from 1960). Go to “w…w…chaptstick.com”

Me: That’s not enough “W”s.

Granny: It’s not??

Me: Haha, no… what do you think they stand for?

Granny: “Women wonder….woman woman?”

Me: Alright.
***************
Granny: Do you remember when you were two and I stopped at a red light and you fell on the floor?

Me: Um, no…

Granny: That was before they had laws to put you in the back in a car seat. So many laws now.
**************
Granny Wisdom
Me: I don’t feel well. My stomach is killing me.

Granny: Just sit there and be quiet. It’ll go away…
**************
Granny: What are you going to do tonight?

Me: Going out with friends.

Granny: Make sure you guys don’t separate.

Granny’s friend: Stay in the light.

Me: Ok.
**************
My granny’s comments on the National Anthem while at the Lions game

“That was the longest anthem ever.”
“Did she start over?”
“What words is she singing?”
“You know I stood up to be patriotic. But I got bad knees, and she was taking too long, they were about to give out. If it wasn’t for that bar in front of me, I think I would’ve fallen down.”

*****************

I just called my granny to see if she was sad about the Tigers missing the playoffs. She got real quiet and said yes, that she “liked Brad”, and that was she was going to write a letter to the team to “see how she could help.” But the conversation ended soon after when I told her I was getting gas- she said I couldn’t be on the phone at the gas station, and hung up on me.

***************

Granny: I’m calling Steve Harvey to give you a makeover. Those sweatpants are too big.

Me: But they’re from Banana Republic!

(Moments later, my granny tries talking to me…)

Me: I’m still reeling from your insult.

Granny: Oh no, that was shade.

****************

Granny discussing the NBA Finals

Me: I don’t think LeBron James is going to win another championship.

Granny: Me neither. He tried for 6 or 7 years to win in Cleveland. He was in his prime in Miami and he won two. Now he’s back in Cleveland and is just getting older and balder.

Me: Granny! That’s not nice! (while I laugh)

Granny: Well, he is! You see his head. And he is older. And he plays the whole game. Playing over 40 minutes every game, bless his heart.

***************

Granny: how’s your love life?

Me: Ehh, not too good. It’s hard.

Granny: Well I don’t know why you don’t have a boyfriend. You’re smart, attractive, You are short though.

Me: And?

Granny: I mean that’s ok. There’s a tall man out there for you. He doesn’t even have to be dark and handsome. He can be light and handsome. He could even be white.

Me Please stop talking.

***************

Me: Granny, what does it mean when your nose bleeds after sneezing?

Granny : That means your nose wasn’t having it!

Me: Ha ha, ok. You sound like you’re sick, too.

Granny: Yea, I’m trying to catch a cold, but I ain’t having it either.

**************

An appearance from my mother, who tries her best

“Which player did you sleep with?”
-When I told my mom her Mother’s Day present baseball tickets were behind home plate

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Even though my granny and I don’t talk every day, I still feel close to her every time I get an email notification that she’s downloaded another casino game to her Kindle.

**************

Quotes of the Week – Thanksgiving 2016

(when discussing the Lions loss today with my granny): “They should have saved some of them touchdowns from last week.”

(Talking to my mom): “If God can find someone a job, he can find you a man.” :/

***************

Just asked my granny what up to bat song she would come out to if she played baseball. She said “something by R. Kelly”. Her second choice was Luther Vandross.

***************

On the phone with my grandmother and I tell her I’m taking a cab to a NYE party. She then proceeds to tell me to make sure I put my housekey around my neck.

-KEEP IT A HOT MESS

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