Bacon and Oreos

Sooooooooo, what have you all been up to lately?

Unless you are one of the Amish people who haven’t been told yet, we’re dealing with a nasty situation in the form of the Coronavirus, and that has nothing to do with getting sick on Cinco De Mayo. In all seriousness, I pray that we come out of this global pandemic a stronger, more resilient people, and I’m sending good vibes all across the Earth. They say laughter is the best medicine, and since there is no cure yet, let’s have a good laugh. We’re going to need a lot of giggles to get through this – and if you don’t think I’m funny, just don’t say it to my face (I’m totally ok with you talking behind my back).

I thought I would share my musings about the hot mess that is the Grocery Store Apocalypse. While my fellow Americans have been battling over 100-roll packs of toilet paper at Costco, I was simply wondering how I could get my regular grocery shopping done. I hate confrontation AND waiting, so after seeing fights on the news at Walmart, I decided I would go to my local grocery at the crack of dawn and get it out of the way. I could get my bacon and Oreos, maybe some EVOO, and be back in my apartment in less than 30 minutes if I tried really hard. My Publix opened at 7am, so when I arrived, it was still dark outside – it eerily felt like Black Friday. There were already around 20 people waiting to go in. I wondered if they were crazy or just wanted to ruin their diets and get out of there quickly like I did.

As I started to peruse the store in ease, I thought, YES, THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. No one was acting a fool. No yelling, no screaming, no fighting- even at the deli counter (if you know Publix, this could happen at any time). Everyone was cordial, the staff was friendly, and all seemed well. So well, that I decide to go ahead and wrap up my shopping for my niece, who’s scheduled to come down for her Spring Break. I was going to be the parent of a 20-year old for a week, and shopped like a hungover frat boy. What do those things eat? I decided to err on the side of caution and get all of the Gatorade and nuggies a millennial could possibly desire. After buying more crap than I should, I made several key observations about odd sold-out items:

  • REGULAR ASS CHEERIOS: Who knew there were more alternate flavors besides Honey Nut?! They were BOGO (buy one get one free), but your choices were blueberry, frosted, fruity, super fruity and tree bark. Where were the boring ones that I used to pour sugar on like a normal human? I got two boxes, just in case the millennial eats frosted ones…
  • VINTAGE OREOS: Now that creating new flavors is a thing, I was disgusted at seeing orange creamsicle and lemon flavors. Now I was in search for a dark chocolate flavor (again this all, um, for my niece), but still, where did these flavors come from? Did too many people win a contest?

As I expected, there was absolutely no paper products. No tissue, no napkins, just paper plates. How much toilet paper do you need, Susan? How many spills are you going to clean up with 45 rolls of Viva? And even if everyone were to get quarantined at the same time, you live alone, so you need to limit yourself. And don’t get me started on hand sanitizer. Did you all hear about the guy who bought a million bottles and tried to price gouge on Amazon? Sir, $200 for Dollar General hand sani? Does anyone remember what we used before Bath and Body works gave us a mixture of alcohol and glitter? Yea, SOAP and WATER. So please sir, spare me – I hope you get diarrhea on the side of a highway and all you have is a Family Dollar paper plate to clean yourself.

I finally get all my items and worked my way to the 2 lanes that are open. Since it’s early, I didn’t have the energy to go all Karen in the store and ask to speak to a manager to free up some more lanes. I’m usually very passive aggressive about it, speaking out loud to anyone with a name tag. I’m also not in the express lane, where I have no issue telling your grandpa he has too many items. So I just daydreamed about Cheerios, as the lady behind me passionately exclaimed ” NADA CARNE, NADA POLLO!”. I know, girl, I know. After I finally get through the line, I look at my phone and it’s only 7:45, which I consider a huge win, under the current circumstances. As I leave, a young lady strolls in with a friend and sings out “GETTING READY FOR THE QUARANTINE, BABAAAAAY”, and starts picking up huge bags of Doritos. Man, I’m so glad I got all those Oreos, just to be safe…


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