Many may look upon my lifestyle and consider it to be in the “baller” category. Gorgeous views from my balcony, great seats to Heat games, large receipts from Target – I seem to have it all. But I don’t. If anything, I’d consider myself a mid-level frugal baller on a budget. The key to this life I live is that I’m genuinely nice to everyone (except for 3 people), and would do anything for anyone. And when you know everyone and have that kind of heart, many of these people have things. Sometimes nice things. And they want to share these things with you for free. Therefore, I look like I’m living that life. But when one of your plugs decides to pull out the cable connection right out from under you, your first-world persona can come crashing down within seconds.
I got rid of cable a couple of years ago and haven’t looked back. Hulu, Prime, Netflix with 6 other people – I have what I need. The problem was that since I no longer had a cable connection, there were many channels that were no longer at my leisure. But a magical friend hooked me up with their Direct TV password, and BOOM – BONES all day! And since it costs about $5K per month for the satellite service that lets you enjoy such channels as triangle-infused jazz on a loop, I felt completely justified in using my plug’s login credentials. I was now able to comfortably watch Love & Hip Hop and the occasional NBA game on TNT without guilt. You call it fraud, I call it justice.
But this fool just told me that they want to join the fiscally responsible club and get rid of cable. They made sure to tell me in a public place on a Monday so I wouldn’t make a scene. I was blindsided and felt attacked. She tried to soften the blow by telling me how much money she was going to save blah, blah, blah, but I couldn’t see through the red of betrayal. Then she stuck the dagger further into my back and said I had until Friday before my cable access was completely revoked. My privileged-by-default lifestyle was unraveling right before my eyes. I mainly used the cable connection to watch ESPN on tv at home, and on my phone, but now what am I supposed to do? How in the hell am I supposed to watch obscure, regional collegiate baseball now, SUSAN?!?! You’re going to force me to go to my building’s gym and watch it while I’m working out????
Why is this happening to me? Who did I hurt? I’ve never been so disrespected in my life. Ok, maybe a few ex-boyfriends have done worse, but Susan really has stuck it to me this time. I thought I was already done with the whole karma thing. Why do I deserve this type of punishment? I’m getting this sneaking suspicion that this is a sign for me to turn my life around. I guess I’m forced to watch more Netflix murder documentaries on my own dime. Catch up on the Masked Singer on Hulu. Watch Baby Driver for the 10th time on Amazon Prime. This is way too many first-world issues for one person to handle. Perhaps I’ll read more books, talk to more people, finish more errands, or even worse, workout more (yeah, I’m still thinking about you, SUSAN).
Let this be a lesson to all those individuals who have been leisurely faking a life of luxury: don’t depend on anyone for your perks, because they will deceive you if you let them. If it doesn’t benefit their life anymore, they don’t even consider how it will impact yours. Your friend with a pool moves to a high-rise condo? You can no longer just drop by their backyard for a dip – you’ll need FOB access and your friend has to be home. All your old coworkers no longer work at the arena? Well, enjoy your Heat game with vertigo, because you’ll be up in the 400 level with an oxygen tank. Oh, and your friend’s dad decides to sell his yacht and you can no longer mooch off his riches? And now you have to sail around South Beach on A CHARTER?!?! People no longer have consideration for others, so you have to look out for yourself. Or at the very least, pay for your own cable subscription.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS