Bath & Body Works is my jam. Especially their Eucalyptus and Spearmint Sugar Body Scrub. The directions instruct you to rub the mixture into your skin and rinse it off in 20 minutes, leaving your body feeling smooth and soft to the touch. The first time I tried this mess, I decided to rub into my skin until it dissolved. The process took 45 minutes total. That night I met up with a guy I was seeing and he likened me to the best candy he ever had in his life. This reaction gave me the go ahead to utilize this green slop every time I wanted to seduce, uh, I mean, go out with guy. Whenever I would emerge from my bathroom with the strong scent of eucalyptus wafting from the shower, my roommate would ask if I had a date. I say all this because I do not mess around with said sugar scrub, therefore I do not like to waste it on lame occasions like going to work or brunch. I would also like to point out at this time that it is never included in the quad-annual sale at the fragrance store, so it’s usually expensive. So when I wasted the last few scoops of my love potion on a guy who stood me up a few weeks back, to say I was furious would be an understatement.
Fellas, today I’m going to allow you to hear an honest, first-hand account of the worst kept secret in today’s society- the sick, underworld known as the “Female Beauty Regimen in Accordance to Permitted Male Touch“. When you come into contact with a woman, there are levels of physical preparation that you cannot comprehend and you will never fathom. For example, if my hair is in a messy bun, nothing is happening. But if I’ve spent all day in a salon getting my hair blown out, I want to be seen, even if its to parade around Publix. But it’s usually for a night on the town or on a hot date with you. But understand this- if a woman has accepted a date, coffee meet-up, booty call, or your hand in marriage, she has already prepared for this occurrence well before you even thought about asking. The most important thing you need to take away from this expose’ is that you are never in control of how you close you will get to a woman, EVER. This is all determined by the amount of body hair she has maintained before seeing you ( among other things, but I can only discuss one huge topic at a time).
So, we’re diving right in. Here’s a quick guide to determine a woman’s willingness to let you near her, or allow herself to be seen by anyone for that matter, with reference to body maintenance:
Level 1- NO SHAVING: She’s wearing jeans on your date, and you are not staying over. You probably won’t even see the inside of her apartment. There will be no caressing of any ankles, and she’s half-laughing at your jokes. She may even be upset. In fact she may not want to see anyone, and wears pants to work for as long as possible. Lotion is a maybe.
Level 2- LEGS SHAVED, FROM ANKLE TO ABOVE THE KNEE: On top of busting out the skirts at work, you are permitted to go on a date with her, but that’s the only guarantee. She is wearing the new dress she bought at Nordstrom Rack because she thinks you might be worth it, and if you’re lucky, you might get a smooch. She legitimately cares about where this is going, and allows you to be within inches of her. Her moisturizer regimen is important, but she’s not necessarily busting out the Kiehl’s for you.
Level 3- ENTIRE LEGS SHAVED: Ok, so now we’re getting serious. She has now elevated the shaving process to the thigh vicinity (hey, before you get all weird, you have no idea what women have to maintain. Men and women are created equal, and this goes for the ability to grow body hair- just ask your momma). She is feeling kinda saucy, and really wants to wear a skirt that feels smooth on her legs. She has busted out the “Peach Bellini Rose Apricot Pineapple Splash” lotion she bought on sale at B&BW, which will last until you all at least have appetizers. But she is letting you know she cares. There is still no guarantee that your date/girlfriend/wife will let you all the way around the bases, but you are about 2 bottles of Rose’ away from her saying, “fuck it”, and not caring that you might come into contact with her fuzzy hip bone.
Level 4- HAIRLESS CAT ZONE: You might have picked the bar where you’re having drinks, but she determined the fate of your entire night at around 7am that morning. Whether she has spent $5K+ to laser her entire body, or she’s spent all day weed-whacking and letting a lady named Helga abuse her, she is the master of both your fates. She deserves an award, your complete attention, and a medal.
As mentioned previously, since we control everything, the most egregious violation of a woman’s beauty routine is when it’s completed in vain. Remember when I talked about losing my last few drops of sugar scrub on a failed date? The first time it happened was a few years back, when I used so much of the scrub (along with achieving Level 4 on the Body Hair Scale), that I literally slipped off my bed, and into a deep depression and anger like I’ve never seen before. I was legitimately concerned at how upset I was at this fool who made me spend 2 hours getting all gussied (GRANDMA WORD ALERT) up, only to stay home and sleep on greased up, yet fragrant sheets.
You know our beauty routines are a wild, difficult mess. Yes, we hold your fate in our hands, but man, it’s a lot of work. Waxing things, plucking eyebrows, using paint-by-number to color our faces – we do it for a reason, and you’re one of them. Sure, we want to feel good in our own, sun-kissed skin, and the only love that really matters is the love you give yourself. But you BETTER BELIEVE that if we never had to go outside or see you, we’d all be full-on Chia Pets, with messy buns and yoga pants on for all of eternity.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS