How do you pretend to be confident when you tip the scales at the highest weight you’ve ever been? That the thought of going out on a date makes you nauseous because once he finds out the truth about them angles, he’s going to politely ghost you after your first date? It’s hard to keep hope alive at 38, when I’m not supposed to be single and receiving dick picks, but middle school daughter hormones and my husband’s knack for farting in his sleep. I try to pretend that I’m not depressed, because I cannot accept that diagnosis. So what a time to decide to confident, when all you want to do is sleep, eat fries, and lie in agony from said fry binge? Of course, it’s a great time to finally love yourself!
This is by no means a pity party, and not an invitation to check in on me (but please free and send money). I thought it would be extremely healthy to pretend to be the most confident woman in history since the first woman who drew her own eyebrows walked out of the house. I know what you’re all thinking- how can she be that hilarious, smart, and with such gorgeous hair and NOT be confident? Seems unfathomable, right?
But I worry about everything. And anything. And everybody. It’s quite disturbing. I mean, why should I care what the 10-year-old in the hot tub thinks of me when I decide to relax in my two-piece? But I do. Does it even make sense to secretly “investigate” the significant other of someone I’m not even in love with? But it has happened. In my quest to love myself, I’m still missing that golden piece of confidence. I have friends and loved ones who are extremely confident in themselves, in all shapes, sizes, colors, and fashion choices. So why in the world can’t I do it? Is it even possible to FAKE extreme confidence? Well, we’re going to try this week, because I’m super emotional, my hormones are raging, and nothing else has worked, so why not fake it until I make it…until I actually do?
I started the week off by reading an article online about “10 ways to boost your confidence overnight”, because hey, my life needs to change by 12pm tomorrow. I tried my best to apply these practices all week, and uh, let me tell you how it went:
1. EXERCISE: Working out gives you endorphins, and that breeds confidence. Well, I do feel good right after I work out, so I tried to kick it up a notch. And by kick up a notch, I mean go to the gym more than once a week. Went to spin class, walked a couple of times, and I even color coordinated my workout gear. I plan to hike it up to 4 times a week, so things are getting pretty serious- as long as I stop eating the donuts.
2. POSTURE & BODY LANGUAGE: I’ve always had posture issues due to Thelma & Louise. Most women would exude confidence having an ample bosom, but I’ve always tried to hide them. So I this week, I did give some serious thought to standing up straight. I just ended up feeling like a peacock, and folded the twins back into hiding.
3. GET DRESSED UP: On the first day, I got up early, washed my hair, shaved everything, plucked my brows, and even colored on my face. And people noticed. Mostly because I never care about my appearance, so most people asked if I had a job interview. And since I like sleep way more than my looks, I quickly retreated back into my IDGAF attire in order to enjoy my 30 additional minutes of slumber. But I’ll keep thinking about it dressing up… while I sleep.
4. SMILE: When I smile, it’s either a Chandler Bing situation, or an invitation to harass me. My resting bitch face is pretty stellar, so I tried to smile at everyone. The experiment worked in the office, so I think a few more people will hold the elevator door and offer me cafecito. Unfortunately, when I smiled in the streets, I was propositioned by a homeless man. The pros and cons of being nice in the city…
5. PUMP UP THE JAMS: I will say I was most productive this past week when I listened to my “Hardcore Workout” mix at work. Something about having 8Ball & MJG screaming in your ear while you write copy, allows you to flourish, feel good, and refuse to accept any further drama.
6. RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS: I’m a pretty kind person, so I decided to be nice to my enemies this week. Just kidding, I don’t have enemies, and neither do you. We all just have people we don’t like and who don’t like us. So I was super nice to people who kinda suck, and it did NOT make me any more confident. So I moved on to holding open elevators and getting a contact high for the sake of Jesus (I’ll tell that story one of these days).
7. LIST THE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: I just realized I missed this one – what a surprise. So I’ll give you 3: 1- I spell better than anyone I know, 2- I’m pretty funny, and 3- BRUTAL HONESTY: I can’t think of a third, and those first two took longer than you can possibly imagine. Man, faking the funk is much harder than it seems. I feel like I need to change the subject for everyone feeling extremely awkward right now. Um, hey, LeBron is going to the Lakers and he still won’t win! HAHAHAHAHA…. feel better?
8. CHANGE YOUR “SELF TALK”: Epic fail. Fake it until you make can only extend so far, and I did give it my best effort. I applauded myself for not eating a 2nd donut hole the other day, then resumed my daily personal sabotage like my life depended on it. But this is definitely something that we all need to do, and I believe that if you tell yourself you’re the shit enough, eventually you will be.
9. MEDITATE DAILY: I cannot. Truth be told, I tried to mediate for five minutes with friends on Saturday, and it turned into a contemplation of a kidnap scenario, in which I would be able to escape the criminals by singing the Lord’s prayer over and over. All of that within a span of a few minutes. I literally cannot sit alone with myself and think of a peaceful scene, as my mind eventually turns to a possible murder scenario. I can’t get out of my own way.
10. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS: I’m always aware of my actions and how they impact others, but I guess this practice made me realize how I don’t think of myself enough. Be kind to others, yea I KNOW, but it is so important to be kind to ourselves. And not necessarily in a way that means you throw all regards for self-care to the wind. Confidence definitely comes from within, and that’s where the mindfulness starts. Be nice to yourself. Treat yoself. To self-love. Because you are the bomb. Dot com. I just need to keep reading this to myself…
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS