Hot Mess Mama Stuff

I’ll never forget when my mom tried to change my favorite color:

Mom: What’s your favorite color?

Me: Grey.

Mom: Ok, that’s nice. But what about pink? Blue? Yellow?

Me:

But that’s what mothers do- they’re always there for you, but also have a total disregard for your opinion. This is why we love them, right? I am so thankful for my mother, who inadvertently turned me into the hot mess before you today. How did she accomplish this? By being the exact opposite of me in thought process, lifestyle and fashion sense, all the while trying to get me to wear more makeup (to find a husband, of course). So, in order to celebrate her and all the moms out there who get on our last nerves (but we love ’em), I have compiled a list of ways my mother has shown her love. I’m sure your hot mess mom has violated you in the same way at some point in your life:

  1. PLAYING MATCHMAKER, HORRIBLY: I will never be able to shake the recollection of my mom’s plan to set me up with Ruben Studdard, via a handwritten note to Oprah. Because clearly Ms. Winfrey was the key to our love. She’s also tried to set me up with a coworker who took me to a Christian night club, as well as a gay man. She’s so in tune to what I like.
  2. TRYING TO KEEP PAJAMAS RELEVANT: Do moms not understand that pajamas are not a thing anymore? ABSOLUTELY NOT. In the last 3 years, my mother has given me pajamas as Christmas gifts, even though I’ve lived in Miami  for almost 20 years. I’m talking nightgown level, all the way down to my knees. She’s also given me a lovely shirt and pants combo, splattered with flip-flops so I guess she’s trying.
  3. JUDGING WITH LOVE: My mother might be the best at this. How else can I explain somehow getting a weave I didn’t need, because it was going to help my appearance? She tells me I’m cute, but would be prettier with makeup. Why don’t I get bi-weekly mani/pedis? First impressions always last, and no one wants to date someone with clear nail polish. All coming from a mother’s loving voice…
  4. ABUSE OF PHONE PRIVILEGES (IN THE NAME OF LOVE): If you don’t receive at least one horoscope, Bible verse, or glitter emoji from your mom on a daily basis, does she even love you?  The best experience is when you receive 4-5, sprinkled throughout the day, so that your mom can solidify her domination over the text machine. And there’s nothing like getting involved in a text exchange like the below (because who hasn’t?):

Mom: Love you! XOXOXO

Me: Love u 2

Mom: Love you more than you ever know!

Me: Thanks Mom 🙂

Mom: A mother’s love knows no bounds, and I am so blessed to be on this journey with you XOXOXO

Me: (Am I supposed to keep texting her?)

5. MASTERING THE SKILL OF SECURITY: I’m 38, and my mom still tells me to be careful at the end of every conversation, text, and email. Leaving work? Be careful. Going to happy hour? Be careful. Going to the grocery store? Be careful. Going to the elevator to get something out the car? Be careful. About have some pizza? Oh my goodness, be careful, sweetie.

6. THE ART OF PECULIAR GIFTING: When you were young, your mother had the innate ability to buy you all the things you wanted ( probably because you whined and cried about it). Now that you’re older? It’s as if she forgot that you lived under the same roof for 14 years. Don’t believe me? I don’t wear makeup, but she mails me  foundation kits from QVC (with the wrong skin tone). I don’t carry purses, but I have 5 Vera Bradley pieces. I tell my mom not to buy me clothes, but yet I get 10 XXL workout shirts for my birthday (have I gotten that fat??)

BONUS: The best way my granny ever showed me love was my cooking ground beef by the pound, freezing it, and sending it back with me to boarding school, thus revolutionizing the Ramen Noodle game for an entire dorm of girls in 1995.

-KEEP IT A HOT MESS

 

 

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