Hot Mess Resolutions, Version 2018

January 1st is the Holy Grail for procrastinators and optimists alike: it’s the biggest day to get your ultimate do-over; the perfect excuse to start all over again. Phrases like “New Year, New Me!” are scattered all across social media, under motivational pictures of waterfalls and women looking down at the ground in tight dresses. Plans are made to go to the gym, get in shape, create closer bonds to family and friends, and be open to love again. Sounds awesome, right?

Well now, it’s January 16th, and you ate a slice of pizza and said “fuck it”. You refuse a set up from a friend at work who “knows the perfect guy”. But you also keep getting up at 6am to go back to Lady Fitness of America. You’ve also grown closer to your cousin who used to beat you up when you were kids, and you make plans to go back home more often. Aaaah, good ‘ol New Year’s resolutions. I haven’t taken them seriously in recent years, because like a friend mentioned yesterday, there are still resolutions I’m trying to tackle that I made in 2005. At this point in my life, New Year’s resolutions are more of an opportunity to reflect on things I know I need to work on, should’ve done already, but can still be optimistic that I can accomplish, but not for another 24 hours.

This year, I thought I would switch it up a bit and let you all know what I will be leaving in 2017. I wouldn’t call these resolutions- they’re more like “things I’m too old to be dealing with for another year”. May you take inspiration from these proclamations, and create your own resolutions if you wish. Feel free to even write them in your brand-new notebook from the $3 bin at Target, with Live, Laugh, Love splayed across the cover:

What I’m Leaving in 2017

  1. All dating apps, along with the food-delivery service ones, too: Both impact my body and well-being in different ways, but they’re equally destructive for me. No more Tinder and China Food II.
  2. Additional “bless you” statements: After you sneeze once, I’m not saying anything else. Get yourself together and don’t make it weird.
  3. 32% of my current carbohydrate intake: Every little bit helps, right? I vow to eat more veggie pasta, and only the finest breads- whatever Oprah eats should be good.
  4. Body shaming: This applies only to myself, and a handful of animals (have you ever looked at someone’s cat and thought, what do they feed this poor child? Stop giving them bacon!).
  5. Turkey burgers: There’s no need for them in my life, or anyone else’s. Eat beef if you want girl, just not so much.
  6. 75% of my Fucks: No longer caring about nonsense feels so good, ya’ll.
  7. Fear of starting my own family: There’s a one-eyed, English bulldog out there that needs rescuing. My family will grow by the end of 2018…
  8. Terrible eyebrows: I will make it my life’s work to make sure there are two, even lines above my eyes, beginning tomorrow. I’ve been slacking since 2014.
  9. Not being famous: Me and Biggie Smalls ( my future dog baby) will be on someone’s magazine cover by the end of next year!
  10. Protection of your feelings: I’ve never been a mean person, but everyone knows I do not like confrontation. I like to keep the peace- like stopping fights between strangers and avoid telling someone I love they’re making a big mistake by doing that one thing. So if you ask me something in 2018, I’ll probably keep it extremely real. I just hope it doesn’t go too wrong.


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