Single Lives Matter

I was recently out in a group setting (because that’s what cool people do), where we began to discuss our hobbies. After everyone shared what one thing they were good at, the conversation turned to television shows. Netflix-this. Hulu-that. A jam session about current television could not end without mentioning NBC’s hit This Is Us, and naturally, everyone chimed in their opinion. One person said they couldn’t watch it because it made them cry, and I cut off someone else who started to gush about the latest episode, stating that I had yet to catch up. As we laughed and joked, the natural progression of the conversation should have turned to other hobbies like bird-watching, or scrapbooking, but it took a bit of an odd turn:

Person (turning to me, with head titled to the side in confusion): Michelle, do you like “This Is Us?”

Me (thinking that the previous conversation already established this): Um, yes?

Person: I just thought that you wouldn’t like it. Because it’s like, about families. And people in relationships, and marriage. And I know you’re not married, so I didn’t think you could relate. I mean, I remember when I was single, I couldn’t relate to stuff like that. But now that I have a husband, and a child, I. HAVE. AN. US.

Me: Um, no… I still like the show?

For those who are unaware, This Is Us centers around a family of three siblings, their parents, and a myriad of relationships that go along with BEING A HUMAN BEING. This show is not about a young unicorn, living in an alternate universe where everyone can reproduce on their own. I’m trying to tell you that it’s relatable to every single person on this Earth who breathes air. I never went to medical school, but Grey’s Anatomy is my favorite show. I don’t need to be a third-year resident to enjoy sex-crazed doctors on a weekly basis. For this person to suggest that I couldn’t enjoy a show about people who were in relationships because I was not in one, is part of a larger epidemic of people feeling sad for the “Single Person”.

Newsflash: We are not sad little souls, who need you to come check on us every couple of days. Well, there might be a few, but the majority of us don’t need to be handled like the ASPCA cats you see in those Sarah McLaughlin commercials. Let’s even reign in our demographic here- if you know someone over the age of 30 who is still single, you don’t need to feel sorry for them. We don’t need care packages and special parking spaces at the mall ( though that would be nice, since the kids get all the perks). I cannot even wrap my head around how many times I’ve relayed the fact that I’m single to people, and then the look on their faces turn from pleasant to sheer confusion: Why? Did you just get out of a relationship? Do you live in a bad neighborhood? Have you tried Match? Do you go to church? Do you ever go out? What about that one guy? Have you tried waking up in the morning, and going to bed at night? Do you have standards? Have you considered lowering them?

The sense of disdain and bewilderment put upon many a single person is quite surprising, but not shocking. Now, I’m just speaking of those who look at single people and demand an explanation as to why they are still on Tinder, or even worse, try to suggest what you might do differently to be in their shoes. My happily-ever committed lovebirds, here’s what single people are sick of hearing- we just can’t figure how to say it  without sounding like an asshole:

  • “Enjoy being single”: I have enjoyed it. For 37 years. It’s been super fun. I’d much rather be in a healthy, positive, and fun relationship. And question, are you NOT having fun? Are you enjoying yourself, committed person?? You are not selling this whole “relationship” thing very well. I wouldn’t say that being single or married is more fun than the other- who you are as a person dictates your happiness. All single people aren’t running around, riding mechanical bulls at happy hour, and all married people don’t sit in the house making to-do lists. Case in point, my best friend and her husband have two awesome kids, a great marriage, and still find time to be their “cool” selves. They don’t patronize their single friends- they understand that who you are as a person dictates your happiness, regardless of your relationship status.
  • “It’ll happen for you”: Thanks, Carol, I really appreciate it. I don’t think I could go on this quest for finding true love without your wonderful insight. But hey, what if “IT” doesn’t happen for me?  Or my friend? Or brother? We’ll be okay, right? We can still conduct ourselves as happy human beings, even if that elusive relationship never comes. Whenever someone tells a friend of mine “hey, if it could happen for me, it’ll happen for you”, I want to scream! Is that close to saying something along the lines of ” so easy, a caveman can do it”? Again, thanks for the vote of confidence, Carol.
  • “I wish I could trade places with you!”: So you want to break up with your boyfriend, or divorce your husband, and live my life of hoping I don’t get a questionable photograph via text from my latest date? I thought you were supposed to be hyping up this relationship concept- are you that miserable? You’re not doing a very good job, buddy.
  • “When you stop looking, that’s when it’ll happen”: This only works when I’m trying to find my keys. I stopped looking for a relationship 472 times. Hasn’t happened yet- stop lying to your friends…
  • “I never knew what life was, until I got married/had a kid/got boo’d up”: So you weren’t alive before you had little Jimmy? You’re telling me you weren’t “whole” until you met Tyrone? Being in a relationship, getting married, or having kids enhances and enriches your life, but you did have one before they came along. Does this mean my life means nothing if I don’t have any of these things? No it doesn’t, it just means WE’RE LEADING DIFFERENT LIVES.

If I ever get married, it’s going to be pretty dope. It’ll bring another element to my life that was never there, but that life is still nothing to be scoffed at. Not all single people are sad. Not all married people ask dumb questions like the person who questioned my television preferences. We all lead our own individual lives, and determine what makes us happy, whether it involves husbands, kids, or rolling around your king-size bed by yourself, for all of eternity. Now let me get back to watching This Is Us. Hopefully I can follow along…

-KEEP IT A HOT MESS

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5 thoughts on “Single Lives Matter

  1. Earlena Vinita Molini says:

    WOW!!!! This was powerful and superbly written. Actually, this blog should be a table book in many public offices.
    I am married and finally after 2 husbands my 3rd husband is my Prince. HOWEVER…any woman that says they never think about the ease and total independence of being single are not true to themselves. I think sometimes; I am so hungry and would love to just eat cottage cheese and peaches in bed surrounded by my favorite books and magazines and have complete control of the the remote control. Alas, I must feed the husband first! I’m not complaining because, we do take care of each other effortlessly. I would still like to sometimes sit in bed and chill as I stated earlier…
    I love my adult children, grandchildren and now great granddaughter….however, it you have never prayed before with all of the aforementioned people and things in my life, I am constantly in prayer. Nothing wrong with prayer. We should all pray anyway but, Lawd have Mercy!
    You are only 37 years old. My first marriage I was just two weeks into my 22nd year. If ever I had a chance to relive those days…trust and believe I would have waited until I was well into my 30’s before saying; “I Do.” I realize at this age that to be married you really need to not only Love your spouse but you must LIKE your spouse. We also need to be mature, apologetic, caring and sharing feelings and laugh together everyday. By the way, I did solve the remote wars by creating a cozy WOMAN CAVE. Ha!!!!
    Trust and believe that the person that could not fathom you enjoying the “This Is Us” series may very possibly have some other things going on in her life that she is not too happy about. Who even thinks to make a comment like that to someone…especially to a “Friend.” ???
    Anyway, I love your blog and I am looking forward to more of your awesome writings. Yes, I said “Awesome.” LOL
    E. Vinita Molini

    • Thank you for the awesome comment! Are you sure you’re not my mom? This sounds like a paid recommendation, lol.

      Please continue to read and share with others! Thanks from Hot Mess Life!

      • Earlena Vinita Molini says:

        Me your mom??? That’s funny. Even when I was a little girl people have always called me mama, mom or mommy. As I reached my early 30’s, people not much younger than myself started calling me mom and mommy. To this very day, I own the title.

        Again…wonderful blogs.

  2. Sarah says:

    This is so good roomie. As someone who waited until 37 to get married, you’re preaching to the choir. I agree that your blog should be a mandatory coffee table book, especially for all those “I never knew what life was, until I got married/had a kid/got boo’d up” folks. To me, that means you never were (and still aren’t) complete with just you.
    On that note…what you didn’t say in your blog, and I’ll say for you since you’re probably too modest, is that you are so evolved as a human (and especially, as a woman) that you are already complete with just you. You already recognize that no person or thing (including, a small human) can turn your life into rainbows and gold, nope, you got to make that for yourself. Yes, it might be nice to have a partner to share and experience life with (and admittedly, it is awesome in many ways), and if he comes along great, but you certainly aren’t going to settle for anything less than “dope,” so if he doesn’t show up, you’re cool too. That is so rare and powerful. There are so many people who are so afraid of being alone that they suffer through miserable and lonely marriages/relationships/ families – sometimes, for a lifetime. So, I’ll get off my soapbox and just say “cheers to you” and please have a cocktail on me. We need more women like you in the world. Merry Christmas.

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