Please Be Careful: Hot Mess Mother’s Day

Mothers are special for a myriad of reasons. They care for you, support you, love you, and course, question your wardrobe choices even after the age of 35.

My mother is an awesome woman, who has sacrificed her life so that I could live mine. I will be forever grateful for that. I am not one for the sappy sentiments, so I am not going to start now. My mother knows I am a special soul, and although she’ll never understand, she created this hot mess. And today, I want to share a list of ways she has been a hot mess to me. Thanks mom…

10 Ways My Mother Was a Hot Mess (to me):

(These are in no particular order of importance, but you’ll be able to figure out which of them were the most influential in shaping the hot mess I am today)

  1. The time she tried to set me up with Ruben Studdard: I’ve told this story before, but my mom was 100% serious when she mentioned to me that she was going to send the American Idol winner a letter about me, since she had seen him on Oprah, discussing his desire for a nice Christian girl
  2. The OTHER time she tried to set me up, and I ended up at a Christian dance club: Speaking of Jesus, she was sure we hit the Holy Grail when she set me up with a coworker of hers. After my attempt to ignore the fact that he was Gary Coleman’s doppleganger, I was not able to get over the fact that our date was at a Christian hip-hop dance club, complete with a Bible airbrush photo backdrop.
  3. When she forced me to get a weave: My hair is already long, but she wanted me to be Rapunzel for some reason, back in 2012. She paid for it, so I let it happen. It was so bad, I wore a headband for 2 months. My best friend also was able to snap a pic of me looking like James Brown when I took it out, which she uses as a contact photo to this day. Thanks mom…
  4. When she sent me to boarding school to eliminate commuting hours: Who spends tens of thousands of dollars to save hundreds on gas?  My mom, that’s who. When she sent me to Cranbrook, her reason was that she learned of a school where I could live there and she wouldn’t have to go out of her way to drive me to school. I’m starting to think it wasn’t about the gas…
  5. Sending expired horoscope texts: My mom religiously sends me my horoscope every day. Although I don’t believe in astrology, that has not stopped her from letting me know on a daily basis that something’s coming, whether that be a new love, friend, work issue, or “difficult situation.” When I don’t receive one I’ve been conditioned to worry. But my mom comes through in the clutch, because when she finally sends me my horoscope, she makes sure to send me the previous missing days as well. This is to ensure I know on Thursday that I missed meeting the love of my life on Tuesday.
  6. Alerting me to the dangers of grocery shopping: My mom likes to ensure that I always stay safe. She does this by telling me to be careful all the times. Whether it’s on the phone  or via text, she’ll make sure to express to me that I should proceed with caution in all instances. Driving. Eating. Going to the gym. Walking in the grocery store. Watching television. Going to happy hour. Everything is dangerous, so I need to watch out.
  7. Hair care: When I speak to my mother, she always makes sure that I know she cares for me and my well-being. She is very sweet in asking me how I’m doing, how my friends are, as well as work. She always ensures that she always asks about the condition of my hair. Is it straight? Is it curly? How humid is it in Miami? Did it rain today? Did you cover your hair? HOW IS YOUR HAIR?
  8. Driving shade: When I visit home, I always enjoy driving the latest in rental car innovation. But more than that, I thoroughly enjoy driving with my mother in the back seat, dictating whether or not we’ll make it to Buddy’s Pizza alive. She likes to inquire on what exactly I just said because the music is above 5, and will make sure to question whether or not I saw that yellow light or the stop sign in the mall parking lot.
  9. Subconscious beauty tips: My mom wants to give me a makeover so badly. I know she secretly cringes when I leave the house with a brush of mascara and lip gloss. My mom is the queen of beauty and looks immaculate every time she steps out the house. I, on the other hand, look like I want to make a quick trip to Wal-Mart without running into anyone. Thank goodness my cousin is close to her, who also loves to doll herself up, otherwise I think I would have been signed up for “What Not To Wear” years ago.
  10. Undercover baby fever: Although she never comes right out and says anything, my mom wants grandchildren. She has never once asked me outright when I’m going to have kids (she’s read my blog, she knows I’m single AF), she’ll toss out little innuendos here and there. Whether it’s mentioning to me how lovely my best friend’s daughter is ( “I can’t wait until you have a daughter JUST LIKE HER!”), or gushing about all her “children” at church, I know she is chomping at the bit waiting for a little hot mess.


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