You Won’t Like Me When I’m Hangry

Publix is known as the grocery store “where shopping is a pleasure.” It’s true, Publix has the friendliest staff, who will go out of their way to locate hard-to-find items like water chestnuts and body wash (why is it in the cleaning supply aisle?). They boast great BOGO deals, always have fresh lemons, and are literally on every other corner. Yes, shopping there is certainly a pleasure- unless you’re buying a sandwich.

Publix has to know that the only reason people frequent their establishment is because of those damn sandwiches. The citizens of America can get eggs and several variations of milk anywhere. However, there is no other place on Earth that has a chicken tender sub that will make you question whether or not you can survive off of fried foods. I’m pretty sure Publix subs were made on the 7th day, along birds and ladybugs. These subs are so delicious, that a brand-new version of bread was invented, just to envelope this glory: multi-grain. The bread allows you to think that it’s healthy because it’s peppered with various seeds, but it’s just white bread with more crunch. But that’s how Publix has deceived all of us. They have lured in the masses for years with these delicious sandwiches, only to bring to you the brink of insanity waiting to buy one.

Let me set the scene here: you’re getting ready to meet your friends at the tailgate. Sure, there’ll be food there, but you’re skeptical of Dave’s ability to grill. You figure that while buying beer for the crew at Publix, you’ll stop by the deli and grab a sub, just in case. As you make your way into the store, you can already see the long-ass line out the corner of your eye. A groan slips out of your throat because you just knew there wouldn’t be a sandwich crowd at 10am. However, in your heart, you knew better. It’s like this every time, all day, err day. No matter which Publix you frequent, there will be at least 5 disgruntled people waiting in front of a counter to get the weekly special. I also forgot to mention that the counter is also being manned by NO ONE, as they always seems to be short-staffed. The lovely ladies who slice the meats look at you like you’re crazy when you give them those eyes that say “please come over to the sandwich counter and create a delicious sub.” And the person who has the job of hooking up those rotisserie chickens? They don’t even make eye contact, because they know once they lock eyes with a sandwich-seeker, there’s no turning back. I have often gotten so upset, that I become “that woman” who seeks out the manager with the awkward high school yearbook photo dangling above the  Boar’s Head Oven-Gold Turkey Breast. Unfortunately, they never seem to be around, so I never have a chance to dole out my erratic speech, demanding better service from the other side of the counter. But if I ever find Shaquelia Woodley, Assistant Deli Manager, I’d like to go over a few things:

  • Why is there always just one person working behind the deli counter? At EVERY PUBLIX? Is it because of people like me? Are people afraid to work there? Is there a quota you have to adhere to?
  • How do you run out of multi-grain bread by 11am? Granted, you open at 7am, but how many sandwiches do people order before noon? And no, I do not want one of the 500 loaves of wheat bread you have there in the case. It’s just white bread that’s sad.
  • Why should I bother with online ordering? The sandwiches are never made when I arrive at the store, and you don’t have “ASAP” as a time slot. Well, there was that one time I ordered on the app, while in the actual line and it was made before I got to the front, which was beyond ridiculous. This option for ordering a sandwich has made me so upset, that I’ve downloaded and deleted the Publix app more than I have Tinder.
  • Why are you rationing out the chicken tenders like there’s a shortage? Like Marshawn Lynch once said, you know why I’m here.

Publix does this to me, I mean all of us, because they can. They know that we foam at the mouth for these subs, and will do anything to get them. Like saying “I’ll never drink again”, I’ve grumbled to myself countless times that I will never go into Publix again and order a sandwich, because my blood pressure just can’t take the angst. But like all of the doctors we need to see, they know we’ll be back. You have to. If you have to wait 90 minutes in a waiting room to be told in 5 minutes that you need go lay off the Publix subs, you’ll do it. Mostly because no one else can get you antibiotics, but you get the point.

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