Why Idris Elba Should Be My Valentine

The moment Prince died, I must’ve received a dozen text messages and work IMs within a span of 5 minutes. The same thing happened when Idris Elba decided to sacrifice himself to the masses, in the name of love and a good cause.

With all the fake news circling the internet, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t dreaming when I was tagged in a video where Idris Elba was offering to let me pound his yams. The object of my odd affection is currently promoting a “Be My Valentine” contest, where you can purchase entries into a raffle to win a chance to go on a date with him, all for a good cause. The cause is called W.E. Can Lead, a fantastic organization that empower girls through education. I just made my donation, because I didn’t feel right even writing this until I had done so. I feel really good about donating to a very worthy cause, so thanks Idris, for the inspiration. But let’s be serious- you all know why I’m here.

In the 2-minute promotional video, Elba looks like how chocolate cake tastes. He goes on to tell you that you’ll be able to spend a romantic evening with him, drink champagne, eat whatever you want for dessert, and pound his yams, if you wish. I have no idea what that means, but I’ve repeated the phrase over and over at least 30 times since I was first alerted to the existence of this video. Anyone who knows me understands his importance in my life, and this is why one friend commented that I would spend my entire tax refund on entering this contest. It is also not peculiar at all that I have a framed picture of Idris on my desk at work- it’s because I admire his work on portraying the elusive Stringer Bell in HBO’s critically acclaimed drama “The Wire”. My boss actually thought he was my boyfriend, and I had to reluctantly tell her the truth. That wasn’t awkward at all.

And now the fate of my love life is in the hands of the internet. I filled out all the necessary information on my entry form, including the optional phone number, just in case he wants to call me. The contest stated that the winner would be able to bring a friend along, but as far as I am concerned, I do not have any friends. So if Idris and his people are reading this, don’t let Facebook and Instagram fool you. Those are all my associates, and a few people who feel sorry for me. In fact, please take the money that you would spend to fly a second person out and donate that to W.E. Can Lead- because I believe the children are our future.

And my future will be revealed on March 1st, when they announce the winner. This means that it won’t really be a Valentine’s date, but that’s fine. I’ll be his Easter Bunny, 4th of July patriot, Thanksgiving turkey- it doesn’t matter. I know that these contests are supposed to be random, but hey, it doesn’t have to be. In case Idris is reading this and hasn’t been scared off yet, let me tell you why I deserve to be your Valentine:

  • The last time I had a Valentine, it was a creeper from work who Tebow’d me in front of my entire staff and handed me a dozen roses. He came over to my department, started mumbling, and then got down one knee, and ruined my ability to look at rose bouquets in stores without cringing.
  • The time before that, a was friend was just being nice and got me flowers, a balloon, and smiles for days. It was the first time I was able to post one of those sappy “look what someone got me” photos on Facebook, and I was as annoying as everyone else. I was also shoved so hard into the friend-zone with this one, that I’m surprised I don’t have permanent palm prints on my face. I deserve this.
  • If you read ANY of my blog posts, you’ll understand how many L’s I’ve taken in my love life. Evening dates with men who wear sunglasses, being a fetish for 8 white guys, being called a “breeder”, having to deal with 40-year-old men who want to “come through”, being propositioned for threesomes, and being dumped in the parking lot of a Target. Oh, and a man who wanted to be my boyfriend but actually wanted his own boyfriend. I need a win.
  • I do not want the highlight of my Valentine’s Day memories to be that I received a card from my mother for 20 years straight. Yes, I love her, and YES, she sends me cards for everything, including Halloween, but she is obligated for life to send me mail and keep the need for stamps in the U.S. going strong.

If you actually ended up picking my entry out of thousands, and you don’t want bad press because it may trace back to this post, that’s fine. I don’t have to win. Of course I want to, but I don’t want any trouble for you or the organization. Just call me and leave a voicemail or something. That’s why I included my phone number…

-KEEP IT A HOT MESS

 

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