No New Cars

Last week, I drove a good 5 miles with an apple core stuck in my mouth because I didn’t want to get juice on my seats. I got a new car ya’ll, and I don’t know how to act.

Now when I say “new”, this means “new to ME”. I’ll never buy a new car again, as they depreciate in value so fast, so purchasing a brand-new vehicle seems asinine to me. Now, if I hit the lottery or marry the guy who invented Uber, that’s a completely different story. I’ll sell out and buy a dozen new vehicles, starting with a Sean Jean Lincoln Navigator, the forever car of my dreams.

This penchant for older automobiles stems from the fact that I have driven a 2000 Mitsubishi for nearly 10 years, and anyone who knows me understands that I like to run things into the ground. I believe in getting all I can out of something, including cars, tubes of chapstick, and the dignity of all my exes. I made a vow to myself to drive the car until it fell apart, and now that time has come. After racking up nearly 220,000 miles, it was time for Wilehmina ( hey, I didn’t name the car, my best friend did- but she’s awesome because she gave me the car) to go live with someone else, preferably a junkyard.

I agonized over having to purchase a new car because I hate shopping. Much like my disdain for trying to find jeans at the outlet mall, I was not excited about having to pick something out, try it on, and see if it worked for my lifestyle. But I proudly went into a dealer, pretended like I knew what I was talking about ( an expansive vocabulary will get you very far), and drove off the lot with a car that was newer than my older one. After getting over the initial shock of no longer having my car double as a personal vibrating massage, I sat back upon my throne and felt that all was right in the world. Until I started panicking when I saw a light come on the dash that looked like a balloon, ready to pop. And this is where I give to you my latest list, “Things That Happen When You Go From an Old-Ass Car to Any Vehicle Newer Than That One”:

  1. Newer cars are more electrical than ever. They have sensors for EVERYTHING. That “exposing balloon” signal was just indicating that one of my tire sensors needed to be replaced, which took less than 5 minutes. The tire wasn’t even low- it was JUST THE SENSOR. Why must these lights scare me? My old car didn’t have a tire sensor. And forget having a reminder that the pressure was getting low- the tire just exploded in the middle of traffic (happened twice).
  2. I didn’t even realize my car had tints until nearly a week after I bought it. I was wondering why it was dark outside, until I realized that I could now pluck my eyebrows and sing to Mariah Carey without judgement.
  3. I. Haven’t. Eaten. A. Single. Thing. In. This. Car. I used to have full-blown meals in my old wheels, and would often find a random piece of lettuce/french fry between the seats of my car. Gross, I know- but when your car is old, you really don’t care. I’m not sure if it’s maturity or what, but I am so afraid to get this car dirty, that I refuse to have food particles on any surface. Hence, the “apple-in-mouth” incident I spoke of earlier. I drove with the core wedged between my teeth, as I was conflicted between getting the car dirty and littering. It was all very peculiar…
  4. Riding along the filth factor that I would like to avoid, I have been so paranoid that my car will get dirty that I freaked out last week when the sun reflected off the passenger seat, because I thought it was a stain from a grocery bag.
  5. If people thought I drove slow before, you should see me now. It also doesn’t help that  I went from a sensible sedan to a big-ass SUV. I look down upon people, but I’m still a bit too small to see over the hood of my car, so I’ve been extra cautious. I literally look like myself when I was 5, flying around the hood in my Power Wheels.
  6. I also feel more confident blasting my music. In my old wheels, the speakers were blown a bit, and if I used my AUX cord, I had to wrap the cord in a yoga pose in order for any sound to come out. This did not bode well when I tried to impress random teenagers at red lights. Now, I can listen to the smooth grooves of Prince with the windows down.
  7. Speaking of red lights, I now make eye contact with men who are checking me out while we’re waiting for people to yell at us when the light turns green. I have noticed so many dudes glance over my truck, and try to get a peek into the car at the tiny princess trying to look over the steering wheel. My car is giving me mad game…


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