I decided a few weeks back that I wasn’t going to make any more New Year’s resolutions, because I don’t need that type of pressure in my life. Who really needs to deal with the stress of trying to curt carbs, responding to your mom’s daily horoscope texts, or trying to fit into your pre-depression jeans? I decided to set the bar extremely low and aim even lower, so that if I somehow become extremely hot or find a cure for frizzy hair, I’ll feel like I accomplished a lot in this new year.
But who doesn’t love an indecisive woman? In the spirit of being like every other person who went to the gym today, I flipped the switch and decided to jot down a few realistic goals that I should be able to obtain. Maybe. You may even want to underachieve as well, as adopt many as your own:
2017 HOT MESS RESOLUTIONS
- CUT CARBS (AFTER MIDNIGHT): No one who completely eliminates carbs from their diet can be trusted. Have you ever been in the same room as someone who stopped eating bread for a week? EXACTLY. There’s no need for that nonsense, so aim for the bottom of the barrel and at least stop raiding the fridge after 12am. Nothing really beneficial comes from eating cold pizza or cupcakes at 1:30 in the morning, so take those baby bread steps.
- KEEP THE HOUSE “COMPANY CLEAN”: As adults, we’d like to think we always keep a clean house. We dust when needed, stack the dishwasher routinely, and always have fresh towels in the guest bathroom. As realistic humans, there are more instances where socks are strewn everywhere and the toilet paper roll is placed on top of the holder more than we would like to admit. Now let there be an inkling that a MAN is coming over- next thing you know, your house smell like sage and rosewood candles (clearance from HomeGoods of course), and your wine glasses are as clean as your bathroom floor. My mother calls it having “company” over and still to this day refers to it as such if I slip up and tell her I have a date. If everyone decided to keep their homes in order as if Idris Elba might pop over at any moment, you’ll never be embarrassed that your friends see a random curly hair stuck to the bathroom mirror (it’s hard to maintain this mane, ya’ll).
- DON’T SUPPRESS MY SUPERIOR VOCABULARY: Whenever I receive a text these days, 90% are riddled with acronyms, many of which I’ve had to look up on Urban Dictionary to decipher their meaning ( it took me 3 years to figure out what CTFU meant). WYD? HRU? WTF? I felt that I needed to responded with similar acronyms, even though my brain was annoyed. Never again. I will make more of an effort to spell out words and use complete sentences, even if it takes 5 more agonizing seconds. I’ll also not hold my vocabulary back when I want to use some of my favorite gems from the English language. Who cares if my boo doesn’t know what plethora means? Not my problem…
- KEEP THE DOORWAY TO HEARTACHE WIDE OPEN: Everyone is familiar with my track record by now, which is why most of you read this blog. I’ve been heartbroken about “fiddly-eleven” times and have made about 6 friendships very awkward (up from 4 in 2013). I’m surprised my phone hasn’t crashed from the numerous downloading and deleting of the Tinder app. But as much as I feel like my heart is built with Lego pieces that slowly go missing over the years, I’m still remaining optimistic about love. Yes, I am in the prime stages of “Cool Aunt” status, but I’m still thinking I can squeeze in a respectable BBQ/brunch wedding in my lifetime- but sans the wedding dress, as I’ll probably just go with jeans and a cute top.
- ELIMINATE MY FAKE LAUGH: Just kidding, that’s never going to happen. It’s just too good, plus it makes people feel better who tell bad jokes. Oh, and the people who think I’m listening to them. Why would I want to upset anyone? I’m all about positivity in 2017…
- BE YOUR HOT MESS: This is the most important of my “resolutions”, because it’s all for you guys. Many have asked where the bog posts have been recently, and yea, things have been pretty inconsistent. I am dedicated to putting out more material for you, so that I can get closer to achieving my ultimate goal- becoming a published author who starts dating a retired athlete, and becomes famous enough to be on Dancing With the Stars.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS