“I can hear your face.”
A friend said this to me once, as I clearly showed my disdain for someone who I did not care for. Never one to have a poker face, you might even say I give off a “mean” vibe. Resting Bitch Face? Perhaps. Could it be the Detroit in me? I don’t think I’m that hard. I’m one of the women that the phrase “you should smile more” was meant for. If you see me walking past, it’s usually not my intention to look like Maleficent. I’m either spaced out, focused on my destination, or hungry. However, I say all of this because I have been told that one of the reasons that men may be apprehensive to approach me (you know this HAD to be about dating right?) is that I have this look of complete disdain for the male species, when I’m really just daydreaming of pizza.
Recently, I have been actively trying to be nicer, not smile like a serial killer, and be generally more open to interaction with the male species. A guy recently took interest in me, which made my friends EXTREMELY HAPPY, and I was instructed to be nice to him so I wouldn’t come off as a jaded almost-cat lady. After exchanging the typical introductory pleasantries, our conversations were bound for the “asking out” portion of the program. But as fate would have it, we never made it to intermission. Because OF COURSE things went south pretty quickly, but this is my love life.
So what happened exactly? He started off by telling me I was beautiful- who doesn’t love that? Then he threw in the term “nice red bone” immediately afterwards, diminishing the sentiment just a bit. I ignored my inner red flag, because I thought I was being “mean”, and just let him continue. He then asked me when he could see me. It wasn’t the ideal way to be asked out, but I figured the conversation would eventually end up with an invitation. I told him that I would be going out of town soon for the holidays, but that the weekend I was free in the evenings. If a man ever wanted a clear path to date, here it was. Instead I got this gem:
“So I can come through tonight?”
Umm, That’s not how this works. That’s not how ANY of this works.
After I politely told him that no one was going to be coming through anywhere (I assure you I was still being nice), he then asked me for “suggestions.” I told him that he could invite me to anything besides my house and he then asked if it was because I didn’t trust myself around him. Sir, I just met you- hold your Trojan horses. I explained to him that I wasn’t interested in anyone just “coming over” to my house or in someone who would think that it would be an acceptable way to ask someone out on a date. He then mentioned that we could attend church together, which I thought was sweet- until I realized he was being completely sarcastic. He went on to say that his suggestion of coming over to my house did not mean that he was trying to sleep with me, but rather a suggestion to sit outside my building or at a nearby park. He topped it off by telling me that my “assumption was misguided.” I then started to let myself out of that bag, telling him that if he really wanted to get to know me, his first suggestion shouldn’t be an invitation to my apartment. I then inquired about the degree of difficulty in asking a woman for coffee, dinner, or drinks, especially at his ripe age of 40. He decided to put himself over the top by telling me “I’m not like anything you’re used to.” That line is right up there with “It’s not you, it’s me” and “that’s what she said.” As if the conversation couldn’t end on a better note, he felt that I was under the impression that there is a template to asking someone out and that he would not adhere to any such nonsense because he doesn’t “conform to conformity.” And before anyone hits me with the “this is what you get when you date online”, I have to stop you there, because I met him in real life- with initial human interaction. Like he saw me in public and was like “damn”, and it went on from there.
If anyone wants to know why I’m still single, this is one of the main reasons. When did people forget how to ask someone out? Proper or not, how hard is it to ask someone to share an app and some sammies? If you don’t want to spend that much time with a stranger, you can still get a drink. If you don’t want to get faded, you can get caffeine! It’s not that hard! If you simply want something casual, that’s one thing, and it must be a mutual understanding. However, if you are truly interested in getting know someone because you have genuine interest, you are not going to ask to “come through” anything. So you better believe there’s a template for that. And if there are those out there who think my standards are too high because I want someone to ask me out, then I’m screwed. I know that not all men conduct themselves in this manner, but I have encountered too many that do. Ladies, there is nothing wrong with expecting a man to properly ask you out on a date, even in this age of social media overload and lack of effort. And gentlemen, if you want to avoid things going south very quickly, don’t ask a woman to “chill”, “hang out”, or “come through” if you really want to get to know her. Any woman of quality will not go for it, and you’ll end up chilling, hanging, and asking a delivery man to “come through” with some Chinese food while you’re by yourself.
–KEEP IT A HOT MESS