‘Murica: The Hot Mess

So you all know that I don’t really like to talk about politics, because I’m too busy having the time of life online dating. However,I felt it necessary to chime in on the glorious mess that is the 2016 election. Last time I spoke of who should be the President of the United States, I gave a pretty strong argument as to why the guy who drove Miss Daisy around in movies would be more fit to the run the country than Mitt Romney (I mean, he did play God at least twice). Luckily, we were able to see the other guy get voted in, but now we find ourselves in an even bigger pickle 8 years later, when the country must decide between Captain Crunch and the grown-up version of the robot from Small Wonder.

Look, I was totally ready to vote for Doc Brown, but apparently he’s too progressive in his thinking with using garbage to fuel cars. So now that he’s out of the picture, we’re left with these two. On one side, there’s a candidate who has me considering moving to Windsor if need be, but the other candidate who’s a bit closer in my ideologies isn’t much better. They’re both like typical men who approach you on Tinder- one sends you dick pics, and makes it very easy not to want to go out with them. The other one says all the right things on the phone, but during your date, you discover they play Dungeons and Dragons- oh, and wears pantsuits ALL THE TIME. So, last time we were voting for ‘Murica, I suggested a fictional character who talks to Penguins and ran the country pretty well amidst alien attack, but I thought that this time, I would give you a more reasonable candidate, who just might shake things up this year- ME.

After a quick rundown with a friend on my qualifications (yes, I was born here, no, I haven’t committed any felonies, and yes, I could lie on command), I had to sit down and really think of the type of platform I would run on. I figure “Unlimited Mimosas for Everyone!” would most likely cause the quickest increase in the nation deficit in the history of the country, so I decided another approach. Citizens of America, I know I can help restore some semblance of order to this country by “Keeping It Real American.” And these are just a few talking points from my campaign:

Health Care and Mental Health

  • All women will automatically be able to work from home, regardless of occupation (public or private sector) for a particular set of days every month. If they are unable to perform their job within the confines of home, they have the choice to utilize PTO. If they don’t have any, let them go home anyway. It’ll be in everyone’s best interest.
  • Every major city with a population of 100,000 or more will be required to have a minimum of 3 Trader Joe’s locations.
  • Fluorescent lighting will be eliminated from all bathrooms and fitting rooms- this is vital to many people’s mental health. It’s just cruel- that’s why it’s only neccessary in an interrogation room down at the 10th Precinct.

National Holidays

  • The day after Super Bowl Sunday will now be a nationally recognized holiday. Like, up there with Christmas and Thanksgiving- pretty serious. Other major sport championships will be excluded from national holiday contention, as no one really cares that much. The only exception will be if the Cubs win the World Series. I feel those people deserve at least a week off.
  • Halloween will be extended to a minimum of 5 days, to ensure one of the days falls on a weekend so everyone who wants to can attend a killer party.

Cultural Enhancement

  • Beats will be federally regulated by the government, and no longer provided to any citizen who wishes to rap over them. There will a strenuous process in order to procure a solid background to one’s rhymes, including an aggressive audition process in front of rapper’s from the 80s and 90s.

The Economy

  • All student debt will be eliminated, starting January 1, 2017. The economy will then be flushed with so much cash, that the sale of 2016 Chevy Impalas will soar. Sallie Mae/Navient/XX Bank will be paid back via the combined total of contract money from all the NBA players currently riding benches.

National Security

  • The TSA will be streamlined- all lanes will always be open at every airport in the country. You will no longer need to take off your jacket or shoes, and bring more than half an ounce of lotion in your carry-on. And no “pre-TSA”- if you can pay $95 a year to avoid taking off your Chucks, it’s not necessary. But you can totally wand the crap out of everybody.



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