NSFW (Not Suitable For Women)

It finally went down in my DM…

 If you don’t know what that means, don’t worry- I didn’t either, until about a week ago. Apparently, the term is used so much, that some incoherent rapper made a song about it. The phrase refers to individuals attempting to court others within the confines of social media private message centers. To be more specific, the term “DM” is short for “Direct Message”, which is a way for people to send secret  messages to each other on Instagram. Because there MUST be some pictures that you need to send to someone that you cannot divulge to your 32 followers. But what on Earth would someone send to me through this DM concoction that you can’t just tag me in? Is it an invitation to a surprise birthday party for a mutual friend? A personal invitation to a party thrown by Prince? Oooh, that sounds fun…

 This is what I was thinking when I received an alert that I had a private message on Instagram last week. It was from someone I did not know, so I assumed it was from a new follower, who wanted to tell me how hilarious I was. Unfortunately, it was not a new Hot Mess admirer. It wasn’t even an invitation to a party. Unless you consider a pants party as legitimate, because that’s what I got. Yes, I received my first man-parts photograph from a total stranger, and I am still trying to determine why.

 I’m going to say something that may shock the male species, so please hold onto your pants (literally, please, keep them on): STOP SENDING WOMEN UNSOLICITED PICTURES OF YOUR JUNK. I am baffled at the thought process that goes through someone’s mind to think that I would even be receptive to receiving this type of image. It’s disgusting, rude, and no matter how much you think it entices us, you’re wrong. While I’m certain there are people out there who enjoy this type of avant-garde photography, 98% of us do not. You think it’s sexy? It’s not. You think it will cause me to text you back? Incorrect. You think using the proper filter and standing up straight will improve the reception of this salacious image? Wrong again. What happened to decorum? Apparently, it died when men thought sending crotch shots to women was an effective dating tactic.

 There are so many other things I’d rather see a picture of that will make me fall for you. I can tell you with the utmost certainty that this image will not make me want to give you my number, does not make you more attractive, and certainly will not put you in a good light with my friends and family. Fellas, if you want to elevate your pic-sending status to historic levels with the ladies, here are some better choices of images to send a woman (which may cause her to reply), along with the corresponding message to send with it:

COOKIES: “Hey beautiful (who hasn’t heard that 5,000 times?)… I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to get up and make you some treats. Come get them while they’re still warm. You can even take the rest to your coworkers tomorrow.”

TAKEOUT: “Omw home, and thought about you… so I picked up some of that sweet and sour chicken you like from New China IV. And, I PUT THE SAUCE ON THE SIDE.”

PAID-OFF RECEIPT FROM SALLIE MAE: “I decided to borrow against my 401K because it was on my heart to make sure you never had to hear name Sallie again. Don’t worry, I’ll bounce back, but I hope this paid in full receipt makes my sunshine smile” (insert 10 sun emojis)

HAIR APPOINTMENT CONFIRMATION EMAIL SCREENSHOT: “Guess who has a trim coming up tomorrow afternoon? You do!”

OPEN PARKING SPACE: “I heard there was a door buster sale at Sephora. When you wake up, come to the mall, I have this spot for you by the door and a place for you in line. And a latte for my little mocha.”

TARGET GIFT CARD: “ I left this on the kitchen counter for you. Go buy some ridiculous shit on clearance. I (heart emoji) you!”

PREOCCUPIED CHILDREN: “Look, the kids and I are at Chuck E. Cheese. And then we’re going to go get haircuts. Enjoy your nap. Oh, and I left a box of Thin Mints in the freezer for you.”

STOCKED FRIDGE: Guess who was able to go to Trader Joe’s today because their board meeting was cancelled??? This guy! So I went ahead and took care of the groceries. And yes, you do see 4 packs of Apple and Chardonnay Chicken and Apple sausages!”

KEEP IT A HOT MESS

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