A friend shared with me that she recently met a man with whom she had an instant connection. They had similar interests, family background, and squad goals. The first conversation they had lasted four hours! Having been out of a significant relationship for a several years, she found it refreshing that she’d met someone that she had strong chemistry with. Because my friend is awesome, Mr. New Guy was completely smitten and invited her for coffee the next day. The coffee date turned into another marathon chat session, and things were looking up rather nicely.
Until she started to receive routine “Good Morning” texts. Which were followed by several messages throughout the day, which she reluctantly admitted bothered her. Any woman will tell you that one of the vital factors in a relationship is communication. So here’s this guy going all communicative on her, and it’s somehow a problem. How dare he text her every morning? What’s wrong with this guy? He is a stalker? Doesn’t he have a life and a guy’s night out to attend? My friends, welcome to the world of the Perpetually Single Woman, also known as the Woman Who Hasn’t Been in a Relationship in a Long-Ass Time.
We both knew that being bothered by receiving timely texts from a man was absurd, but it led to a rather in-depth discussion to determine the root of the issue. Our conversation then gravitated over to the topic of whether she was truly interested in this man (because ladies, wouldn’t we be giddy if the guy we were head over heels for called when he said he would?) and the concept of comfort zones. We agreed that encountering a guy who was truly interested in us after such a long draught of not being a relationship was out of our realm of familiarity. Coupled with a multitude of unfortunate dating decisions, the attention can appear as a foreign concept. As insane as it sounds, several characteristics that we yearn for in an ideal mate can seem excessive, needy, and at times, annoying. But when you’re dealing with a fiercely independent, adult single woman who has literally seen it all, these musings can be part of our normal thought process.
I promise I’m not trying to make things harder out here for single ladies by making us appear slightly off when we scoff at communication from the very men we seek. But I have been summoned to be the voice of the woman who is scared to admit that these types of thoughts run through her head. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and you definitely know a woman who has felt the same way, she just doesn’t want to tell you. And why should she? We all know women don’t say what they’re really thinking. You better read our minds, dammit!
When you’ve been single for a long time and Baby Jesus answers your prayers by sending a suitor your way, you might think it’s a mistake. Why would anyone in their right mind think this way? It’s because it’s what we’ve been accustomed to for some time. Many women (and men) may not even know what to do with this new person. When you’re used to only worrying about snagging one seat at the movies, never splitting the bill, or being able to eat the ice cream solo, having to take another person into consideration has you thinking “Who the F is this?”. Does he think I’ll throw his laundry in with mine? Should I ask him what XM station he wants to listen to in the car? Do I have to feed him? I recently went out with a guy who mentioned that he wanted to see a movie that I thought looked pretty good. Instead of reacting with “we should go see it”, my mind automatically thought of when I would be able to go see it with my roommate.
Another thought that popped into our minds as Perpetually Single Ladies is one that no one wants to admit to. I alluded earlier to the fact that as an adult, single individual, I’ve experienced many things, and obviously a lasting relationship hasn’t been one of them. Through various trials and Tinder dates, I am fiercely committed to the traits I want in a partner, as well as characteristics I refuse to tolerate. I have literally been there twice, and done that three times. After so many relationships that haven’t panned out, to be presented a possible lasting one scares the crap out of me. Even though we say we want to finally have a love that lasts, don’t we get the least bit sad that the chase after love could finally be coming to an end? It sounds ridiculous, but I find it to be true for many people, myself included. I’ve been introduced to men who have the potential to be The One. And it has frightened me beyond belief at times. Why? Because the thrill of seeking true love could be coming to an end. The hoping, wishing, praying, and dramatic flair of being a single woman is finally leaving, so what else will I be able to agonize over? There’s something about those nasty butterflies we get in our stomach waiting for Mr. Right (and even Mr. Douchebag) to call us and bless us with his company and the promise of free cocktails. The thought of The One swooping in and messing all that up is a concept that I’m not sure I have been able to properly explain, because I know it doesn’t make an ounce of sense. But neither does love, right?
So fellas, you have to take it easy on a woman who’s been jamming to that Beyonce’ sing for a while. Even if it sounds ludicrous that she’s still holding out for Idris Elba, she really does want to be in a relationship. She’s just going to go through a more extensive recruiting process that any woman you’ve ever met. She will forget to bring home take-out for you, and will get upset if you ask her to share. She’ll wonder why you’re so adamant about filling up her gas tank when she can do it herself. She may even think you’re trying to con her into sleeping with you when all you did as bring her some daisies from Trader Joe’s, because well, you really are just a nice guy. But she’ll also be the most amazing hot mess that has ever entered your realm of existence, and you can thank Baby Jesus for that, too.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS