(Can I just pay you $5 to straighten my hair?)
It took me another 4 hours last night to straighten my hair. I went through a series of emotions, including anger, resentment, frustration, and exhaustion. No one should ever have to blow dry and straighten their own natural, past-your-shoulders length hair. I also know it’s my own fault, as I have held out on getting someone else to just do it for me. I mean, there’s a reason why we have hair salons, right? I’ve continued to avoid the hair salon, as I’d rather spend 6 hours of my life in the comfort of my own home, rather than waiting for some chick to pull me from under the dryer, just to stop short of blow drying my hair while she buys bootleg DVDs from the guy who just walked into her shop.
But I’m starting to reconsider parting ways with my money in order to keep my sanity. I now understand that it’s better to pay someone to handle this mane, when I can only straighten my hair so well, given the length of my T-Rex arms. It seems like it would just be so much easier to spend money and have someone else to do it for me. I’d rather be $100 broker and get my four hours of sleep back. There is a particular set of skills that a professional has that I do not possess. They need to hunt me down, find me, and then kill me, and take my money before I do any of these activities again myself:
DO MY HAIR: This is an extremely sad photograph, but knowing my hair will be laid and my arms won’t hurt like I’ve been lifting weights, JUST might be worth me going to LaShay’s Beauty Palace for half a day to get my hair done. Plus, I never seem to be able to blow dry as good as someone with longer arms. I find myself looking like James Brown much quicker than I should.
GIVE ME A MANICURE: Why does it always look as if I coated my nails with White Out when I give myself a manicure? When you try do DIY, your left hand always look fantastic, and the right hand looks like it’s been painted by a 5-year-old with anxiety issues. And don’t get me started on doing your own pedicure. That’s even worse because it’s quite difficult to reach your own toes without folding your body into an uncomfortable yoga (or karma sutra) pose just to paint that pinky toe. I find it much easier to just shell out $20 for a quick mani and a 30-second arm massage.
PARK MY CAR: Have you ever tried to park your car in Miami Beach? Brickell? Downtown? Anywhere in Miami? Unless you’re parking at McDonald’s, there’s a 96% chance that all other locations while have a) limited parking, or b) a fee of $85. The parking debacle in this place and other large cities has also caused me to lean on Uber to drive me everywhere. I’d MUCH rather pay someone $8 to take me 15 minutes away from my building to a place where parking lots are managed by people with 3 teeth. And you never know who’s going to show up. Will I be driven down the block by a Mercedes? Or a Kia Sorento with a “BABY ON BOARD” sign on the back?
BRING ME FOOD: My friends and I once spent 6 hours at the pool, and proceeded to order $200 worth of delivery food, which included 3 bagel sandwiches, 2 fruit salads, and at least 6 BLTS- 2 of which were devoured by a man who also downed Redbull and a gallon of Sutter Home Zifandel. My friends and I really know how to party…
ASSEMBLE IKEA FURNITURE: It took me 3 days to put together my massive bed from the Swedish furniture giant when I moved into my loft last year. I was crying when I couldn’t reverse a step I messed up, and was forced to go down Calle Ocho and try to “come se dice ‘nail’ en ingles” to a man in Home Depot. I should have shelled out the money to pay someone to follow the simple instructions that appear to be acted out by smiling ghosts who can’t speak.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS