I Ain’t Got No Type…Or Do I?


(I prefer my men like this, staring into my eyes and made of wax)

How are you supposed to feel when your best friend says you only like athletic idiots?

What type of internal inventory do you take on yourself? What does that say about me? Am I not smart enough to pick the right guys? Is this the reason that I’ve been single for longer than Law& Order SVU has been on air? I have always had the stance that I like all types of men: short, tall, black, white, athletic, and in need of a few crunches. But when someone who is so close to you that they know if they walk into the house, you’ll be watching something involving murder or Sportscenter, their statement has to have some type of merit. As I began to ponder whether I really do have a type, I went through several stages of thought:

·DENIAL: I don’t just like athletic idiots. I have gone out with men who were very smart. Because I’m smart. No, I’m a genius! So much, that I am extremely open-minded and attract men who come from all sorts of ethnic and educational backgrounds, socioeconomic statuses, who have various fashion styles, political views, and interests. I AM VER-SA-TILE, baby!

·REALIZATION: Hmmph, athletic idiots… that’s not true. I like all sorts of men, and I give all of them chances to date me. Like my last boyfriend…wait, the first guy I…ok, the guy I dated from the Air Force who…ok, the last two dates I went on from Tinder were men who were extremely smart…um, no wait, I almost went out with my friend who was a little chubby and smart, but he…. Oh.My.Goodness…

·UTTER DESPAIR: I do like athletic idiots. I am drawn to Sportscenter-loving men who can’t spell. And are not that into me. And treat me like crap sometimes. This is great. I’ve wasted a good decade. What shall I do now? I’m going to make some cat very happy in the near future…

I have to put one of my traditional disclaimers in here and say there is nothing wrong with an athletic man. A gentleman who loves fitness and enjoys leg day can be a great match for many a woman, including myself. A man who keeps his television set to the Red Zone channel has the key to my heart. However, that combination with a man whose intelligence is questionable is apparently my kryptonite. And we’re not talking a man who didn’t go to a university or neglects to read a book every week. When my friend said this to me, she was referring to a man with little common sense and a knack for making me feel less than desired. THAT kind of idiocy. And when I sat back to look at just who I tended to give my heart to over the years, I realized she was right.

So how does one with such an impeccable track record in the dating world go about changing it up? In the emotional words of a woman posting passive aggressive Instagram quotes, how do I go about attracting the love I deserve? Something has to change, because I’m starting to feel the weight of all the commentary about my single status. The subject of my dating life came up today when a friend asked if I was seeing anyone. After I said no, she asked me if I was bored. YES! I AM BORED! While I never saw a concert or movie I was afraid to go to alone, I am a bit done with wondering who will go with me to the next Linkin Park concert. Or my second viewing of Straight Outta Compton. You know, I can only force my roommate to do so much with me, before people start to get suspicious. The rest of my love life has been relegated to ruining several friendships ( the current count is 3) and encountering a guy I actually like in the “bad timing” phase of his life (that tally is set at 5). So what’s a hot mess to do? A few thoughts came to mind (with some input from the Peanut Gallery, AKA, my girls):

1.DATE SKINNY NERDS: I must admit I am still on Tinder. I must be glutton for punishment, as I seem to enjoy getting countless messages from shirtless men and people who want a threesome. What can I say? It’s a visual medium, which allows you to find out AFTER you swipe right if he really does have a nice personality to go with those abs. Needless to say I tend to connect with all the visually stimulating man meat out there. While that’s nice, I was told I should start giving the svelte guys with glasses and messenger bags a try. And in this case, I really do need to judge a book by its cover, so hopefully this Dr. Spencer Reid look-a-like is a nice, intelligent man.

2.ELIMINATE MY RESTING BITCH FACE: I really think the jerks out there are attracted to the woman with a permanent scowl on her face. It’s as if her uninviting temperament is issuing a challenge to the crazy men out there to approach her with their best line. Has a sweet, intelligent guy ever come up to you and said “WHY YOU LOOK SO MEAN”? Maybe, but probably not. Because that statement is usually followed with a snide remark at how he can make you smile, or something similar. Now you might get a nice guy who will still smile and say hello to your mean-looking self, but the majority of the time, a quality guy is looking for a woman with a different disposition. So I guess it wouldn’t hurt to smile more. Maybe I’ll attract a guy who won a spelling bee.

3.KEEP HOPE ALIVE: It can be easy to fall into a downward spiral of self-pity and despair if you’ve been single for quite some time. You don’t get excited for dates. You go on your online dating sites only when you’re bored. You stop shaving your legs. And your beard. There are many ways in which someone can easily let the thought of meeting a nice guy fall by the wayside, because they’ve only been dealing with a certain type of individual who is just no good for them.  But as you put yourself in a position to be open to another type of man, you have to listen to Tupac and keep your head up. Stay positive, keep an open mind, and blah, blah, blah, more good stuff.  Because as a good friend told me last week, your perfect guy could fall right out of the sky at any moment. I just need to make sure I’m outside on my balcony with the body of a hairless cat, ready for him to drop.


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