(Dear Baby Jesus, please don’t let me get bitter or get a cat. I need to keep laughing at all this…)
What happens when being stood up for a lunch date just isn’t funny anymore? When you no longer feel the automatic urge to think, “Oh this will make a great blog post for tomorrow”? Those were the thoughts that ran through my brain last Sunday, as I sat to type vigorously about the missed tryst from a few hours prior. But laziness got the best of me, as I just couldn’t muster up enough witty banter to explain to everyone how my lunch date fell of the face of the Earth. What I didn’t realize then was that I was gearing up for an even better post this week, as yet another date was neglected last night like all those voicemails from your mother.
No one wants to be stood up. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting gussied up for an outing at a fancy restaurant like say, Shake Shack, and your date never shows up. He never turns up to buy you a chocolate malt and the best salty fries in the world. It sucks, I know, and we’ve all been there ( some more than others). But what’s worse than that? Not even getting to put on your favorite jeans and “sexy top” to meet Mr. Romeo at the latest trendy Midtown lounge. What’s worse is being invited to said lounge for dinner and drinks, only to never hear from the Invitee again. No “I’m running late” text. No “I will be there in a few” phone calls. You don’t even get to call your Uber. You stop curling your hair because you never get the “See you in a bit ( smiley face)” message. And that’s plain rude. It’s like telling someone you would like to take them to Yardbird for brunch and then you never call back. Now you’re stuck thinking about fried chicken, watermelon, and gin slings, knowing the deliciousness will never come to fruition. Actually, I think breaking brunch plans is more severe than a broken date. You never know how a date will turn out, but knowing you will miss out on bacon doughnuts and mimosas is pure torture.
Look, we all have broken plans in some form or fashion. People invite you somewhere, and you are stoked to go out with your posse, but then the time comes around, and you’d rather watch a Criminal Minds marathon on your couch. We get flaky sometimes, I get it. But what’s worse is to suggest an outing and suddenly decide to back out of it. In my case, I have been wooed the last two weeks with the promise of conversation, booze, sandwiches, and even a meal past 8pm, just to see it all come crashing to a halt. Before I even contemplated whether he was worth matching undergarments. I can’t tell if they just decided the trouble wasn’t worth it, but no one will ever know if you don’t even get the chance to embarrass yourself on a first date. Hey, at least Sunglasses At Night guy from a few weeks back “got me out of the way” and showed up to Starbucks. Granted, the date was over about 22 minutes later, but hey, A for effort, right?
It’s simple, ladies and gents: don’t ask someone out if you don’t even plan on following through. I’m not sure if it gets your rocks off, something more exciting came up, or you are just pure evil, but if you’re really not interested, why bother? If you’re not enamored by my beauty, sarcastic wit, and knowledge of all things football, just don’t ask me out. I won’t be upset. A “it was nice to meet you” and a smile will suffice. Nothing boils my biscuits ( I don’t’ even know what that means, but I’m a weird rant here) more than to get a hint of excitement, realize I can slide into my skinny jeans, and put on a clean bra, only to realize I’ll be relegated to watching a Shameless marathon alone on my couch because Mr. Romeo decided not to tell me where we’re going to dinner. He actually didn’t call me back at all. I truly have to laugh at all this, amidst the tears dripping into my Haagen Dazs.
Now, don’t you all go feeling sorry for this Hot Mess. If this blog has taught you all anything about me, is that I’m going to do just fine. Yes, dating can suck ( in my case, it’s AWFUL), but it can also be fun. I remember this one time, in 2012, when dating was awesome. And I think I had a good date a few months ago, I can’t recall. But then the universe decided to take a huge dump on my love life and make me susceptible to weird online creepers, a few criminals, and a relationship that ended in a parking lot ( and not in a good way). They say that you have to kiss a few frogs until you find your prince. Well, I’ve met about 32 so far, and Prince has yet to call me, although I’m still waiting.
– KEEP IT A HOT MESS