(I’ve had this jar since 1992…)
You should never run out of Band-Aids. You know how I know? Because Sebastian Maniscalco said so. The very funny, physical comedian did a bit in a recent television special on the importance of never running out of Band-Aids in one’s lifetime. He wasn’t talking about having the luxury of running out and buying a new box when you needed it- no, he stated that you should possess only ONE box ever in your life. He goes on to joke about the minute amount of injuries that a Band-Aid can solve outside of taking yourself to the emergency room, It’s actually quite hilarious- go check out “Aren’t You Embarrassed?”, which you can see on Showtime. Or maybe Netflix. Or whatever streaming service you mooch off of your loved one.
I thought the joke to be hilarious, but mostly because it’s true. Outside of having kids who seem to scratch themselves by simply breathing too hard, it is true that no adult should have that many injuries that require a Band-aid (or Neosporin). But that got me thinking of other things that I have no business running out of. In a world where I never have enough hair ties, conditioner, or people to text at 3AM, I can breathe easy knowing that if anyone comes over and asks for the following items, I have a plethora:
- VASELINE: What is the purpose of Vaseline? If you asked the 7-year-old me, an entire tub could used to slick back all the hair of your Barbie Styling Head to look like Annie Lennox. If you read the label, it’s a natural conditioner for your skin. But lotion can do that, as the thought of slathering myself with something with the consistency of lard is not appealing. I use it as a lip balm from time to time, but I still haven’t put a dent in it. As I get older, I need to learn to use what I have, so I may have to find other alternatives for this stuff. If Whitley Gilbert from A Different World taught us anything, I should use the substance to make my teeth glisten, should I ever join the pageant circuit (do they have a Miss Hot Mess America?). I might be able to use the greasy stuff in my first fight of my life, as I hear helps punches slide off your face.
- MUSTARD/SOUR CREAM: My organic ketchup from Trader Joe’s runs out every 2 weeks. My mayo? I always seem to be heading to the store to get more. Meanwhile, my Publix mustard has been in the fridge since I moved into my building a year ago. It displays its disgust with being underused by squirting out a yellowish liquid filled with pure hate, as you finally try to use mustard for a hot dog. What’s worse is sour cream. The issue I have with this is that when you need it, you NEED it. A month later, you’re ready for tacos again, and your sour cream has expired. Seeing as it’s only used once a month for most, um, 30-something singles with no kids, they really should make a single serving-size for people like me. Do you know what it’s like to have 3 containers of Daisy in your fridge, each with one scoop missing? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
- BABY POWDER: There’s not much to say about baby powder, but there are only so many crevices that are susceptible to chafing. On the other hand, if you have children, you probably plow through this stuff. Now that I think about it, I’m sensing a theme here with these items…
- WINE: No sensible person in their right mind should find themselves with half a bottle of noir and a sip of chardonnay in the fridge. My goodness, get yourself to the nearest Total Wine ( it’s like a Target with JUST alcohol!) or Trader Joe’s and stock up! You don’t want to have a situation where you really need to unwind with a good vino and all you have is a glass of Merlot left. You need AT LEAST a whole bottle to dissect this breakup!
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS