In anticipation of a first date, you get the stomach butterflies, which a great feeling for anyone to experience. You may have had a few conversations beforehand, in which you gathered information that has caused the butterflies to develop. This person seems exciting, engages in lively conversation, and is kinda cute. As a few days go by, you discuss when you’ll first meet, and the butterflies are in full flight mode, but are swiftly murdered after your suitor refers to your first date as something he’s just “ready to get over with.” This date is no longer that, as this is also interpreted as too much of an “event”, so drinks and dinner are tossed off the table. The alternative is now meeting for coffee, which is completely acceptable, until…
You receive a call right before said encounter, and are informed that your coffee companion is already headed down the highway, and you are asked “where do you want to do this?” Not being accustomed to being rushed and having a set plan, you state that you need to go home and get ready, but you inquire again where this individual would like to meet. You are told, with a twinge of annoyance, that this person does not know where anything is, and has no idea where to go, and Starbucks is mentioned again. How you could not be excited about this date is beyond me.
You try to remain positive, and suggest one of Starbuck’s 1,000,000 million locations in your neighborhood, hoping that this person can figure out how to use a GPS. Your prep time is actually not that long, but no more than 20 minutes go by before you receive another phone call, and are advised that Starbucks has already been located. In fact, the drink line is very long, so you are asked what you want to order, as well as you are ETA. You are a bit put off, but all you can muster up is that you’re in your Uber, less than 3 minutes away, and would like a tall French vanilla cappuccino. When you arrive, you have a bit more enthusiasm, as you forget how attractive your date really is (hot people get away with murder, I swear). This thought lasts for about 3 seconds, as your date proceed to complain about the temperature of their soy latte, and suggests sitting outside in 93 degree weather within the same 3 second timeframe (does he NOT see my hair?). Even after you mutter ”Oh, you want to sit outside?”, in a manner that clearly suggests that you don’t, your plea is ignored and out the door you go. As you sit down and your hair starts to expand, you look across the table and see that your date has their sunglasses on. It’s currently 8pm. The following exchange occurs:
You: “Can you take your glasses off?”
You: …. (obviously gives them a confused look)
Them: “What’s the face for?”
You: “I just asked if you would take your glasses off. We’re outside, and I can’t see your eyes (I try really hard to smile through it all)
Them: “Why do you need to see my face? You know what I look like. I don’t understand why you women always say that.”
You: “Um, well I like to look at people in the eye when I’m talking to them.”
Them: “Why? Do I need to stare into your eyes all night long when I’m talking to you? Naw, fuck that, I ain’t doing it. It’s unnecessary.”
You then engage in a discussion about sunglasses at night, or rather, sunglasses indoors. You base your argument on the concept of respect, and that you believe that lack of eye contact can be considered rude. The other individual doesn’t care what you think, and says they like to be able look anywhere they want, and not be bothered with engaging in social interaction. This is a clear red flag, but since you are determined to have the worst love life in the history of everything and you figure this will be a great story to tell, you keep going and remain somewhat positive. These happy thoughts are once again shot down, and your date begins to complain about an awful concept that is sweeping the nation with despair and crippling the economy: valet parking.
What follows is a diatribe about the city of Miami being flush with valet opportunities and a lack of self-park options. Even though you try to interject with a point about city growth and retail/real estate opportunities, your date continues on about not wanting to throw money out the window, and where he’s from, valet is not an epidemic. You inquire as to how a metropolis such as Atlanta does not offer valet, and you are told it’s an option only on the club scene. You are also told that this will be one of the last times they will visit Miami, as their residence of Hollywood, FL is more of a serene atmosphere, with a plethora of parking. You no longer need to ponder if there will be a second date, due to this recent statement. Your date then contradicts themselves once again, as they creepily give you the “up-down” stare and proceed to comment on how “juicy” you look. You are skeptical when it comes to the meaning of this statement, but do not ask for further clarification.
Your date then asks if you would like to give them a reason to come back to Miami and valet their car at your building. You think back to earlier in the week, when your date balked at the thought of valet at your apartment (the exact phrase was “I gotta pay to come see you?”). What you first thought was a joke is clearly a legitimate concern of his, and you realize he is serious. When you reconsider their offer to sacrifice $5 in hopes that they may get lucky, you just give them your best “Chandler Bing engagement photo” smile and sip the rest of your drink. You also realize in that moment that you should have ordered iced coffee, as you were forced to sit outside and your hair has now transformed from Beyonce to James Brown. Fortunately, your date doesn’t seem to notice, as they have been dodging eye contact (with the glasses off) and looking around the entire 25 minutes you’ve been there.
Up to this point, your date has not asked you one personal question, and it’s clear that he doesn’t plan on it. You make a final attempt at normalcy, and begin a discussion about concerts, one of your favorite hobbies. An engaging discussion ensues, and you think “Hey, this is the guy I was talking to earlier this week!”, and are hopeful that you can at least salvage this outing as a positive encounter. But when your date asks you why you would go see Janet Jackson again in concert because “she old as hell”, you know enough is enough. A person can be rude and cheap, but they simply CANNOT disrespect Ms. Jackson, because now you have to get nasty. After you go on to say that seeing Prince in concert was amazing, your date then questions why all women are attracted to Prince, because “he looks like a little woman”, and also points out that he is barely taller than you. Clearly this individual was raised by wolves, because he continues to disrespect the greatest music entities of all time. After clarifying that Prince is 5’2”, you explain that the Purple One is not to be understood, he just IS, and no one can really explain their attraction to him. Your date then asks if you are attracted to them, and they see your hesitation. Now that is 100% clear that THIS will not be happening again, your date suggest that you call your Uber, gives you the worst half-hug in the history of awkwardness, and walks away. You feel a bit bummed out that the date didn’t go well, and wonder why these awful things keep happening to you. This empty feeling quickly dissipates when your Uber driver arrives in less than 2 minutes, in a pimped out Town and Country, and you hop in through the self-opening door like a boss. Granted, you realize that you selected UberXL in error, and your ride ends up being more expensive than it should be. But it’s worth every penny as you roll past your date who’s still standing there, waiting for the valet.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS