I was at brunch the other day with yet another group of fabulous single women friends. Naturally, our conversation turned to dating after excessive amounts of mimosas and french toast, and I knew I finally had a captive audience. I had been mulling over the subject of confidence in women vs. men, and how it relates to the art of approach in the dating world. I knew I wanted to blog about it, but I needed to get another perspective besides my biased, completely subjective, yet accurate one. So I posed the question to my girls, asking if they felt that a lack of confidence ever hindered them when it came to dating, compared to the men who approached them. Then one of my girl’s hit me with this gem: ” I was at the car wash the other day, and the homeless, toothless man who was drying my car tried to holler at me. He was grinning and everything.”
After trying to picture a toothless man with an actual grin, I have to say I wasn’t shocked at all. For as long as I can remember, I have always encountered fellas from all over the compatibility spectrum, who for lack of a better term, have no shame in their game. I was approached once by a man on South Beach, who clearly had not bathed in 2 weeks, resided in the Burger King drive-through, and inquired as to whether I would be able to feed him the way mothers do their newborns. So, yes, I have been there as well. It is completely fascinating yet not surprising to know that men will hit on almost anyone. Men are hunters, a visual species, who see something they want to eat/devour/date, and they go after it. I can sit here and say I’m not trying to categorize all men, but let’s be real. Most men will put themselves out there, not give a second thought as to what might happen, and try to get a woman’s attention. And it’s a trait that many of us women need to emulate.
While men are more visual right off the bat in the dating world, women tend to be a bit more analytical in our approach. For example, a guy may step into a bar and survey the room and think ” Oooh, look at all these women! One of them is bound to talk to me because I’m a catch”. If he gets shot down, he may be temporarily wounded, but like Swizz Beatz, he’s already on to the next one. Many women have the opposite approach, which is more along the lines of ” Oooh, look at THAT guy. I will do what I can to try to get HIM to notice me, and hopefully he’ll approach me”. And after a few drive-by walks across the club, we’re wounded when the guy doesn’t say anything.
Let me reiterate that these thoughts do not apply to all men and women, but we all know that it mirrors the mindset of many. We have men running around throwing lines at every single women that comes into their view, while women are unsure if the one cute guy they see at the bar would blow them off if they tried to strike up a conversation. My hot mess people, it all boils down to confidence. And ladies, as a group, we can learn a thing or two from the male approach of reckless abandon with their hearts.
What made the man in the car wash think he could step to my friend? Was it his killer smile? His ability to woo a younger woman ( apparently he was over 50). No, it was this man’s confidence, which is probably his best asset. I’m not even suggesting that he shouldn’t have been trying to talk to my friend because he was not on the surface a man that she would even look at twice. Because that’s the thing- MOST MEN DON’T CARE. Sure, they have their personal preferences and standards, but this will not stop them from trying. On the contrary, women tend to overanalyze approaching a man they deem interesting, to the point where we talk ourselves into doing nothing at all. Ooh, that guy’s cute. I wonder if he’ll see me. Should I say something? What if I go over to the bar and he doesn’t look my way. What if I’m not skinny enough? What if I’m not tall enough? What if I go over and say something, and he brushes me off? How will I ever live with myself?
Do you think most men do this? Hell to the no. They will forever throw it at you, and hope that one of us will be nice to them and catch it. Ladies, we have to remember that quote that came from an extremely wise source: WOMEN GET WHAT THEY WANT, MEN GET WHAT THEY CAN. And I mean that with all my heart. Ladies, you are awesome creatures who deserve more than you give yourselves credit for. Yes, it can be quite frightening to put yourself out there, but you’ll never know if you don’t try ( man, that was really cliché, but it works in this scenario). This will be one of the few times I’ll tell you to be like a man, and just do it! There are some pretty awesome men out there, scattered amongst The Others. And you just might make their day if you brush my them at the lounge and wink those pretty eyes. That just wouldn’t be me, because I don’t know how to wink ( or skip for that matter). But you better believe I’ll do better in walking by men and giving them my best “How you doin” face. Somebody’s going to like it eventually.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS