SH!% My Granny Says

( I’m surprised she hasn’t said this…)

Nothing will put your life into perspective more than looking like utter crap in front of a very gorgeous man. What makes it even more devastating is that the aforementioned Gorgeous Man was supposed to move out of your building because you saw him with boxes and luggage. Clearly this was the signal I needed to ride in the elevator without any regard for my appearance. Well, the universe obviously does not want me to ever find love because I ran into Gorgeous Man this morning, in what appeared to be my best “Walk of Shame” look. I didn’t even go out last night. A previously chatty, hot man who introduced himself months ago now turned into someone who didn’t want to look me in the face for the entire elevator ride down. Oh why, did I live on the 17th floor? After what felt like an eternity, I was able to escape my embarrassment and also the now former love of my life. Now that I know Gorgeous Man and I will never be, I have to go find someone else to prematurely fall in love with.

This morning’s incident taught me that I should always put my best foot (and face) forward, in all aspects of my life. This epiphany I had is clearly an appropriate segue into my mission to get Hot Mess Life back on track. In the words of Mase, Jack Nicholson, the Terminator, the little girl from Poltergeist, Eminem, and T.I., “I’m back!” Or rather, I’ll be back. But I’m already back. Well, you know what I mean…

My return to the blogosphere is dedicated to my granny. I think all grandparents are good for quotable gold, in addition to random dollars and weird candy. I have shared many a story of my grandmother saying the darndest things. These are a few gems:

“I’m going to get on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. But I’m not going to tell them where I live.”– This is when my granny was making her case for a new phone. She currently has one that still flips. When I asked her who the “them” was that she was referring to, she said “the people”. Ok…

“What recourse do I have if one of my apps stops working and I lose all my points?”– This stems from her drama she has with her Kindle and the 345 casino apps she’s downloaded. She then went on to say that she is convinced that there is a “man in a high-rise”, looking down on people with the GSN casino app, and if they have more than 3,000,000 credits, he deletes them. Sidenote: she always stays up until the wee hours of the night, when free coins are given to app users (i.e. 3am)

“Do you want that?”– I am neither confirming nor denying that anything actually happened. Whenever we would go out to a restaurant when I was younger, if I said a cup or a plate looked cool, she would lean over and ask if I wanted to put it in her purse. I’m pretty sure I said no.

“Have you met a Jose yet?”– In what I am forcing myself to categorize as endearing, my grandmother is convinced that since moving to Miami, I will end up with a husband of Hispanic descent. She still doesn’t understand that I fell into the darkness when I got down here, and no longer had an affinity for guys who looked like Ginuwine or Jon B.

“Well, he doesn’t have to do that; he can just walk through the front door”– This is in reference to the stripper I told my granny I wanted to get to jump put of a cake for her 75th birthday. She’s always making sure people are inconvenienced. So sweet…




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