Someone told me the other day that my next post on Hot Mess Life should be positive and uplifting. After I was shocked to hear that he didn’t find all my dating failures to be inspiring, I realized that this guy had a point. And I couldn’t have asked for a better day to be all sappy than today, Momma’s Day.
My mom and I have a unique, loving relationship that was cemented when she told me “I’ve come to realize that we have two completely different ways of looking at life.” After we both accepted that and moved on, she has continued to drive me crazy and make me love her more every day. Whether she was dressing my cousin and I alike so we would think we were sisters, to leaving long ass voicemails, I have come to appreciate the awesome lady I have in my life. So I thought I would leave you all with a few things my mother has done to me, for me, and because of me, which were all clearly executed with a hot mess mindset:
8 THINGS MY MOM HAS DONE THAT WERE A HOT MESS (THAT INVOLVE ME)
- Trying to set me up with the wrong people: I know her heart was in the right place, but I’m not sure where her mind was when set me up with a guy who took me to a Christian hip-hop teen club. It must have been in the same place where she tried to set me up with a man… who liked men. Her radar is broken.
- Staying up late at night, waiting for me to come home. When I’m 33: Whenever I go home to visit, my mom continues to wait up for me like I’m in high school. If I go out, no matter when I return to her house, she is laid out on the couch, trying to pretend she was watching a Locked Up: ABROAD marathon. You ain’t fooling nobody, lady.
- Sticking to the script: My mother always says the same thing when I speak to her on the phone. I think she has a post-it in her wallet, that she pulls out so she can cover all the basics when speaking to me. “How’s your health? How’s your car? How’s your hair?” After she checks all those off, then our conversations resemble normalcy…sometimes. Don’t let her get my voicemail. She rattles off the same speech every time, that goes a little something like this: ” Hi, Michelle. Didn’t want anything important, just wanted to let you know i was thinking about you. About to head to Walmart/Meijer with your grandmother. Talk to you soon.” This is always interrupted by my grandmother screaming in the background ” Hi Princess Biscuit!”
- Putting me on speakerphone: My mother always puts me on speaker phone for very important reasons. Usually it’s so my grandmother can hear me, so a cousin who’s over can say hi, so I can hear the dogs bark, or because she just wants to talk really loud.
- Trying to get to know my friends: Not my best friend. Not my coworker who I go to happy hour with. Not even my college roommate. She wants to know how my “friend” is that I mentioned ONE time, three weeks ago, that I went to a movie with.
- Hating on my style: My mom DESPERATELY wants to give me another makeover. I say another one because she tried once, roping me into wearing a weave I hated so much, that I ripped it out 2 months later. I know she wishes I was more girly, that I would get mani/pedis all the time, and have at least 4 bottles of “fragrance”. Since I don’t, she rejects me for my frillier cousin. I’ve accepted my fate.
- Pretending to not pester me about having children: She always claims that she’s glad I’m waiting for the right person, and that it doesn’t matter how old I am. Yet, she continues to buy presents for my best friend’s baby and says things like “I can’t wait to buy clothes for my own grandchild” and asking me if dog-sitting last week made me feel like a mother…
- Sending me my daily horoscope via text: Everyday. Without Fail. Even when she misses a day, she will send all of the days together, just so I can know what could have happened to me yesterday.
And now you see where I get my hot mess from. But I love her. Happy Mother’s Day everyone!