4, 5 Threesomes From Over It

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It only took 8 years to realize that online dating ain’t for me.

You can’t knock it until you try it. You’ll never know until you try. If you don’t succeed, try, try again. Well, I tried and it did not work for me. It certainly wasn’t due to a lack of effort. EHarmony. Match.com. OkCupid. BlackPeopleMeet (that is a legit website). My last stab at being open to online love ended on Tinder, where I was propositioned for a threesome and another casual sexual encounter all within a span of the last 48 hours. I can no longer hold onto the fateful story of my best friend connecting with her husband online. Those type of fairy tales are always the exception and never the rule.

You all know that my love life has always been a hot mess, so it should come as no surprise that this ended badly. Maybe I was mean to animals or something in another life, but I believe no one should have this much bad luck when it comes to love. I’m still convinced that this is all setting me up to marry Idris Elba (or someone close to him) after he’s finished with his current situation, but I also assume that my foray into online dating attributed to much of the hot mess I have had to endure over the years. Yes, we all know someone who has legitimately fallen in love over the Webs. Your best friend. Your cousin’s boyfriend’s sister. Your aunt who found Husband #4. Your neighbor. The guy everyone was slightly afraid of in boarding school . All these people took a chance at finding love through the internet, and found it! Those are the stories that are shared amongst friends at dinner parties and become the bulk of quirky wedding toasts.

But what about the other 97% of people who created witty profiles with filtered photographs, only to get asked if they’ve ever considered a swinger lifestyle? Do those tales get tossed around at BBQs or the office’s Casual Friday potluck? Of course not. Luckily, for all of you, I have shared all my failures with regards to online dating, so I suppose I should say you’re welcome. Would I love to share my success story of Mr. Elba finding me on Eharmony.com via his secret online profile? Would I love to tell you how he fell in love with my sense of humor, green eyes, and ability to write grammatically correct messages at all times? Yes, this would certainly be a love story for the ages. Unfortunately, you all have to hear the opposite of “love at first type”, as I relay the story of trying to date someone whose knowledge of the English language was confined to talking about David Ortiz from the Red Sox. I remained hopeful for a number years, after numerous failures, because I remained hopeful that I too, could find someone normal like me on the internet, who was also out there looking for love. Apparently, I overestimated my level of “normal”. I also know when to quit, and my time has expired for love on the web. As the cool kids say, I’m so over it. Like, I can’t. Literally. Not even. How can someone be so defeated when it comes to online dating, you ask? Just look at some of the evidence of what has happened to me:

· Propositioned by a gentleman to join his “actress” girlfriend in a new movie he just so happened to be producing. Mind you, he told me all of this after several conversations and prior to our first date. Needless to say, we did not go on that date.

· Hit on by a man whose wife was his “roommate”.

· Asked if I would be interested in a threesome. This occurred at least 14 times throughout my online dating career.

· Asked out by several men who looked at dating a black woman as a fetish. There were inquiries as to whether I danced “sexy” and if I ever tasted “white chocolate”.

· Questioned on whether I was ready to have “mixed-raced” babies.

· A man sent me a message, just to tell me he DIDN’T want to go out with me because I looked “stuck-up”. Thanks for the heads up, boss.

· Was asked out by a guy with a wedding ring on. When asked why he had a ring on his ringer finger, I was advised that he recently lost 50 pounds and it was the only finger it fit on. The ring was also given to him by a friend who just died.

· Received a message that literally read “can let me cum inside u”. I was more appalled at his grammar.

Could all of this happen outside the confines of the OkCupid website? It most certainly could, and it probably will. Even though I will no longer use the internet as a dating option, I still refuse to give up on love. I just haven’t met him yet, once I stop looking, he’ll show up, I know, I know. I am positive that I will have more hits and misses when it comes to dating, but I least it won’t drain my battery.

 -KEEP IT A HOT MESS

3 thoughts on “4, 5 Threesomes From Over It

  1. vrod says:

    Nice to know I’m not the only one. I also received many penis pictures. “As if…” I wonder if men think it’s part of the intro process. “Hi my name is ____. Here’s a picture of my penis. Wanna come over?”

  2. It’ll happen…just keep trying. Just remember that every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it….

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