Message Not Received

lemme alone text

(LEEE ME ALONE)

I feel like I’ve already been here before. A few years back when I had the first of a series of quick, yet amusing relationships, I spoke of a phenomenon that took place in which men from my past were resurfacing( please read “Oooh, You Smell Good”-it’s sad and hilarious). This happens to everyone: you’re in a new relationship, and somehow a bat signal is sent to the last person you dated ( who probably broke your heart), causing them to wonder what you’re doing with the next one. It’s as if you sprayed new car smell scented perfume down your pants, triggering their ears to stand up and say, “Hey, I feel like my ex is happy, let me call them!”

But let’s be honest, phone calls don’t really happen anymore. I wish they would. Instead, text messaging has taken over, and now you’re faced with a loaded message, and the decision to ignore it or come up with a sarcastic, yet stabbing comeback (I always try to use the latter because of my uncanny wit). Out are the days of ignoring phone calls, now we must ignore that beep that signals the return of the guy who broke up with you because he had “too much going on”.

Whether you’re in a new relationship or not, we must all come together to fight the return of the ex via text. It takes a village to fight this temptation, as most people ( women more than men, I’m guessing) tend to ask their close friends what they should when they get an out-of-the-blue text from Johnny from their 2nd year in law school. If you’re unsure of what texts to return ( which should be none of them), it’s ok- Hot Mess Life is here for you. A friend received one the other day, and I was blessed with the one from above a few hours ago ( notice I have not spoken to that individual for a month for a REASON and my answer were short then), so I was inspired to write this instructional guide on the very  text messages to ignore. With my help and knowledge, you too can avoid another encounter with the village idiot. Oh, and you’re welcome in advance:

TEXT MESSAGES TO IGNORE

  • “Hey stranger”: TRANSLATION-I hope you still remember me fondly because I hope to hook up with you, even though I know there’s a completely valid reason we haven’t spoken in 6 months
  • “Just dropping a friendly text”: TRANSLATION-In actuality, this is not a friendly text. It is a probe to determine if you will return my text in a similar fashion and I also hope you have forgotten that I am married
  • “Hey, how are you? Hope you are well”: -TRANSLATION-I do not really care if you are well, but I want to make it appear that I care for your well-being, when in all actuality, I am hoping that you’re bored and you’ll give me another chance
  • “Merry Christmas/Happy Thanksgiving”: TRANSLATION- Even though we broke up in the summer time because I had a kid I never told you about, I’m going to play it off like I’m including you in my obligatory holiday text bonanza, but I am secretly hoping that you respond and come back to me
  • “Looking good”: TRANSLATION- I hope to send a nonchalant compliment your way which will trigger your undying love for me and erase your memory of heartbreak as well ( this is a good reason why some may not want to be friends with an ex on social media)
  • “Happy birthday (with a plethora of emojis)”: TRANSLATION- See? I remembered your special day and Facebook didn’t even have to remind me. I’m all about personal communication, not a wall post, girl. By the way, if you’re bored on your birthday, wanna hook up?
  • “Ooops, I text you by mistake. By the way, how’s it going?”: TRANSLATION- I strategically sent this text message so that I could say it was sent by mistake, but I hope that it will reignite the flames of our love or at the very least get you to think about hooking up with me
  • “Hey, are you in town? I would love to see you”: TRANSLATION- I know you’re in town because you checked in at the airport on Foursquare. I’m just playing it off like you crossed my mind, and if there’s a small chance we can hook up, I’m going to try

-KEEP IT A HOT MESS

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