Hot Mess Halloween Hiatus

comingtoamericahalloween

(Best costume ever. Period.)

This is a sad time in my life. I am breaking a tradition that has lasted over 15 years. I can’t say it’s my fault, I blame my best friend’s offspring and my inability to take vacation. Everyone, I am refusing to properly celebrate my favorite holiday because I can’t be with my friends. Halloween is upon and I can’t even dress up as Prince.

I have taken Halloween very seriously since elementary school. After I outgrew the plastic Barbie costume in a box ( remember that plastic mask and the annoying strap?), I soon became obsessed with dressing like Janet Jackson year after year. 4th grade I was Black Cat Janet Jackson. Now that I think about it, I was the Black Cat version of JJ for about 3 years straight. I’ve made my own costumes ever since and I take great pride in my creations year after year. This year is the first year since college that I have not travelled or had my best friend travel to be together for our favorite holiday. She had to GO OFF and have a baby, so I bowed out of the race and said that my little muffin niece can have Halloween, and I’ll just keep our birthday tradition ( which we claim will last until we are 85). Outside of dressing up for work on Friday, I will be protesting Halloween out of spite and sadness, and I will immediately go home, skip all invitations to parties, and sleep away my despair. What I have decided to do this year is look over my past triumphs on Halloween, the time of year I’m known for, and share them once again with the world. You’re welcome…

halloweenhighschool

This gem is from boarding school, where money was scarce, but creativity was high. I’m pretty sure I bought everyone’s ponytail for about $4.99 each. I don’t even remember where I got them from. Do you know how hard it was to find a beauty supply store in the ‘burbs? I think we decided to go as “ghetto” girls. Thinking about it today, not sure how I feel about that, but we still looked awesome.

halloween2

Apparently, I didn’t mind dressing like a stereotype because I did it again in my mid-twenties. This lovely lady was Starnavia, who was from the Eastside of somewhere. I bought a wig, use foil for platinum teeth, and rocked some Lee Press-Ons. On top of my gold-plated name earrings, I wrote my new moniker downwards on my leg with a Sharpie. A friend and I went to the beach to celebrate, and then we met guys who didn’t realize we were in costumes…

halloweenzelda

Resuming my love of aluminum foil, I was Link from the Legend of Zelda video game this year. I was made fun of on various occasions for my love affair with these boots and others, but everything you see here came straight from my closest, including a sword strap made from an unnecessary purse add-on.

hallowwensaltaandpepa

Salt-N-Pepa was there, and we were in full effect. This was the beginning of my BBF and I’s genius run of group costumes. Granted the pants were unbearably awful, but they were $3, so how could I pass up this deal? the highlight of this night was our choreographed “Push It” routine at a Halloween party, in which we killed it.

recessiongirl

Aaah, Recession Girl. She was born out of unemployment, and a little bit of theft. I may have made a mistake and taken this cape from Target, but I don’t recall. I then taped an “R” on it with safety pins I stole from the cleaners, and used my reliable foil to fasten to kitchen spoons together to make a weapon. I then walked around South Beach throwing pink slips at people. It was a dark time in my life, but my legs looked awesome.

redflag

This was another Halloween where we were on a budget. After a last-minute idea to wear yoga pants and recycle a costume from work, we created “Red Alert”, the famous middle school dance troupe. Our dance moves were less than stellar.

janetjackson

I resumed my Janet Jackson phase 15 years after it all started with one of most prized costumes, Super Bowl Janet Jackson. Cutting the hole in this shirt was hard for me to do, but it had to be done in the name of Halloween superstardom. As I walked the streets of Coconut Grove, it would take people awhile to figure out who I was ( mostly staring at the huge boob out), but then it would hit them, and I became a celebrity! Pictures were taken and my love for Halloween became even stronger.

-KEEP IT A HOT MESS

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