( this is what happens when you step outside in Miami with no perm… frightening)
I received this email from Thrillist the other day advising me of the “5 Scariest Things to do in Miami”. After giggling at a joke about driving on the Palmetto Expressway, I found the true purpose of the article, which highlighted the best ways for South Floridians to scare themselves on Halloween. I was a bit disappointed in the article, as I was looking forward to reading about going to Hialeah after 8pm, or trying to go to Fort Lauderdale International Airport. Since the article did not feature reasons why Miami is a terrifying place, I thought I would. Here are some of the scariest things to experience in Miami:
CROSS THE STREET WITH THE FEAR OF IMMINENT DEATH AT ALL TIMES: I’ve talked about it before, but I have a legitimate phobia of walking from one side of the road to the other. It’s called “streetophobia” or something. I’ve literally been near death about 5 times, including almost getting plowed down by National Championship football coach Larry Coker in a McDonald’s drive-thru. No one here with a license values life. The worst predators are taxi drivers, people who drive down Washington Avenue on the beach, and little abuelas who are used to walking down roads in South America. Though I haven’t been in a haunted house since I was 16, I’d rather go on a zombie crawl than cross 8th Street.
MEETING A GUY WHO’S TALLER THAN 5’7″: It’s hard out here for the ladies. Granted, I am 5’1″, but I like my men tall, just like I like my glasses of milk. It is a nightmare going to happy hour, where I can see the top of every man’s head and also the amount of gel he uses to slick back his tresses. The variety of men here is awesome and the lot of them are very nice to look at, especially when you’ve had a few. However, I long for my Midwestern, corn-fed men who tower over 6 feet.
DRIVING WITHOUT AIR CONDITIONING: Doesn’t matter whether it’s October or July. If you’re air conditioner is broken in your vehicle, you might as well give up on life. I always liken walking outside of any building and into the Miami sun to living in a microwave, but truer words have never been spoken. I understand how leftover pizza and chicken wings feel, because the air is thick with heat and sadness. Now imagine sitting in Miami traffic (which is stalled between the hours of 8am-11pm EVERYDAY), with the windows down, and no A/C. It’s like God putting a magnifying glass on an ant, watching it burn and die a slow death.
STRAIGHTENING YOUR HAIR AND EXPECTING IT TO LAST LONGER THAN 24 HOURS: I had a hard time with my hair here in Miami when I had a perm. Now that I’ve been au natural for 3 years now, I know the fear of walking outside after a fresh blowout. I have several pieces of photographic evidence that illustrate my transformation from Aaliyah to James Brown in a matter of 6 hours. It’s not cute at all, and it’s downright frightening for everyone. If you are going to straighten your hair and you want it to stay that way, stay in your house, sitting still, for as long as possible. Oh, and take a picture. Because it’ll definitely last longer than your flat iron job.
LOOKING FOR PARKING ON SOUTH BEACH: My heart just started racing thinking about going to the beach and finding a spot, and I haven’t been in a month. If you decide to go anywhere on the beach, please put aside about 30 minutes to find a place to park your car to avoid Bernice and the South Beach Tow crew from taking your ride. It is so bad, that you literally have to stalk people as they creep down the street to their cars. The scary alternative? Paying $30 bucks to park in a lot guarded by Tyrone Biggums.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS