Perfect Man Mondays


(He’s perfect: Chocolate, chiseled, and doesn’t talk back)

During a rousing discussion of what women do wrong when searching for their Mr. Right ( over an excessive amount of German beer), a male friend decided give my group of girlfriends some stellar advice. He stated that if you listed 100 things that you wanted in a man, and he had about 70 of them, then you were good. Keep him. Love him. Don’t let him go, or sweat the other 30 descriptors he can’t live up to. Unless he can’t live up to “not a murderer” or “does not like musicals”, my friend said that you should be able to tolerate a man’s (or woman’s) 70% job. Stop being picky and deal with it.

So I decided to list 100 things I would want my ideal man to be. They may seem a bit too specific or petty, but if I have to live the rest of my life with someone, shouldn’t it be with a Crossfit champion who has an affinity to cook me omelettes in the middle of the night?  Just think- if you could create your “perfect” partner, no matter what people thought of your requirements, what would you want them to be?  I’m not ashamed:

  1. A man.
  2. A man with all of his teeth ( veneers are ok, but not horse-like).
  3. An educated man (if I mention the joy of scheduling classes Tuesday-Thursday, 9am-10pm, I want him to understand).
  4. A man who exercises perfect grammar/spelling in all of his text messages.
  5. A man who works out ( and appreciates that I don’t like to).
  6. A man who likes to take naps.
  7. Speaking of sleeping, a man who is totally okay with not sleeping in the same bed all of the time, even after a night of lovely love ( I may snore, he may fight in his sleep, so why stress each other out? Cuddling all night is exhausting).
  8. A good kisser.
  9. A man who understands my need to watch ratchet reality tv shows to make me feel better about my life.
  10. A man who gives good hugs ( nice arms are acceptable).
  11. A man who laughs at my corny jokes.
  12. A man who smells great ( even if you smell like bacon or gasoline, that’s cool too).
  13. A man who can fix things on my car (even the air filter thingy).
  14. A man who doesn’t say “huh?” when I use one of my big vocabulary words during a conversation.
  15. A man who won’t rub it in when my team loses.
  16. A man who won’t judge me when I eat everything at brunch ( and will stuff his face too, just to make me feel better).
  17. A man who won’t make me feel bad that I go to brunch ( I can’t help it if I love mimosas and french toast. And waffles. And bacon. And chicken).
  18. A man who will drive me around.
  19. A man who can cook.
  20. A man who is just as sarcastic as I am.
  21. A man who has enough friends ( not online) to hang out with and leave me alone sometime.
  22. A man who is not afraid to tell me my hair is jacked up.
  23. A man with a body similar to D’Angelo in the “How Does It Feel” video when he takes his clothes off.
  24. A man who reads more than magazines.
  25. A man who doesn’t smoke.
  26. A man who drinks anything other than Hennessy. In a snifter.
  27. A man who doesn’t take selfies.
  28. A man with a nice firm grip. On life. Handshakes. Whatever.
  29. A man who knows what a blog is.
  30. A man who reads my blog.
  31. A man who does not own a cat.
  32. A man who does not own a pair of skinny jeans.
  33. An honest man.
  34. A man who likes to go out. Not oontz-oontz clubs, but cool bars and lounges instead.
  35. A man not addicted to social media (we don’t need two crazy people in this relationship).
  36. A man with an accent.
  37. A man with kind eyes.
  38. A man with great style. Classic and cool ( sans jerseys).
  39. A man who likes ice cream ( but doesn’t eat as much as I do).
  40. A man who knows who Linkin Park is.
  41. A man who likes his family.
  42. A man who has been out of the country before.
  43. A man who won’t make me run with him. I’m more of a wogger ( walk/jogger)
  44. A man who can clean floors exceptionally well.
  45. A man who is kinda hot.
  46. A man who tips well.
  47. A man who doesn’t talk during movies.
  48. A man who can appreciate taking me to said movie at least 30 minutes early, so I can secure a seat in the back and watch all the previews.
  49. A man who shares his Netflix password.
  50. A man over 6 feet. If you’re under, you need to be pretty hot.
  51. A man who doesn’t call or text me before 10 am.
  52. A man who eats meat.
  53. A man with a great laugh.
  54. A man with no sparkly jeans in his closet.
  55. A man who owns more than one suit.
  56. A city guy.
  57. A man who gives good massages.
  58. A man who cherishes family.
  59. A considerate man.
  60. A man who always has a piece of gum when you need it.
  61. A man who will pump your gas ( or at least offer).
  62. A man who can swim.
  63. A man who can dance.
  64. A man who is okay with getting a tan.
  65. A man who loves football.
  66. A man with a cute dog.
  67. A man who appreciates curves ( these thighs ain’t going nowhere).
  68. A man who loves his momma.
  69. A man who owns a tie.
  70. A man who won’t judge me for going to twerking class.
  71. A man with a master plan.
  72. A man who can pick me up and make it look easy.
  73. A man who likes bacon. Turkey bacon does not count.
  74. A man who take Halloween as serious as I do.
  75. A man who also thinks Game of Thrones is weird.
  76. A man who DVRs Sportscenter.
  77. A man with a boat.
  78. A spiritual man.
  79. A man who has car concerts by himself.
  80. A man who planks.
  81. A man with at least one cool hat.
  82. A man who can appreciate a great Pinot Noir.
  83. A man who knows what Pinot Noir is.
  84. A man who doesn’t get mad if I beat him in Fantasy Football.
  85. A man who would propose to me on a Jumbotron.
  86. A man who knows the key to my heart is a good steak dinner and a concert, and not a pair of earrings.
  87. A man who thinks my impressions are awesome.
  88. A man who likes chocolate.
  89. A man who can drive in the rain when I don’t want to.
  90. A man who will wash my hair.
  91. A man who will buy me flowers as a romantic gesture, but leave a dirty note in it, so I can laugh the rest of the day.
  92. A man who can play Cards against Humanity.
  93. A man who owns stock.
  94. A man with a gym membership.
  95. A man who can kill a snake with own hand.
  96. A man who kisses me on the forehead.
  97. A man who loves short women.
  98. A man who can look sexy in a t-shirt and jeans.
  99. A man who shows empathy towards others.
  100. A man who loves a hot mess woman.



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