Go Fund This!

 heart1( Don’t you want to pay for my legs to be this smooth ALL the time?)

People have graduated from begging in the street with signs and sad little children parked in front of Publix, to going on the internet. It is no longer considered begging, since you have actual vehicles to garner donations, so it’s completely acceptable.

There is now a booming business in creating online platforms to gather funds to execute a variety of projects, missions, trips, and even some bullshit. The majority that I’ve seen go towards great causes, such as the ones listed below:

  • Donations for medical treatments
  • Fundraising for mission trips
  • Raising money for scholarships

These reasons are totally acceptable to me, and I’m cool with that. I’ll even go far as to support funding for a band’s trip around the world. I went to a college friend’s recent concert where they raised money to support their upcoming Asian tour- that’s totally awesome!

However, I’ve also seen some soliciting initiatives that appear to be on the verge of completely selfish and utterly ridiculous. From funding divorces to a Cancun trip you know you can’t afford, some people thought it was a genius idea to ask for other people to pay for their crap. I know of someone who was moving to a more expensive apartment and wanted donations to pay for some new bath towels and a crock pot. Seriously, it’s called saving your own damn money!

Then I got to thinking about myself. If this guy can have the gall to ask for people to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond on his behalf, then surely I have friends who could send me to Wine country. Just think- if all my “friends” on Facebook donated 40 bucks, I could knock off a few of these projects off of my To-Do list:

  1. LASER HAIR REMOVAL: There’s a reason why there are so many Groupons for the de-fuzzing process- it’s expensive! I always longingly wonder if I’ll ever have enough money to turn myself into one of those hairless cats. I try to save up, and then something else happens, like I need a new battery for my car. Wait a minute, let me ask people on the internet! If I could get everyone to collectively send me $8,000, that would be great! Baby oil would just slide right off my body…
  2. STUDENT LOAN PAYOFF:This cause is of the utmost importance to me. If I can get you guys to take care of this for me, my life would be better for it. I’ll be a happier person, I can contribute to the economy, and I may be able to have a baby I can afford. If I don’t get help with this, I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering how my stepdaughter’s grandchildren will assist with paying back Sallie Mae.
  3. “HELP ME FIND MY IDRIS ELBA IN LONDON” PROJECT: I want to go to London, ‘y’all. Not only to take in the rich history and architecture of the city, but to also find Idris Elba’s Doppelganger. I’ll even take his cousin. Last time I checked, the American Airlines flight I would take is a good $1500. Don’t you all want me to be happy? Then send me some man-money!
  4. SHOW ME YOUR TEETH: Going to the dentist has known to be the scariest because it can also be the most expensive. Do you know how much filling a cavity costs? You might as well give up going to college. Now, I don’t have a need for braces or anything, but I am afflicted with “baby-teeth” syndrome- they are really little, and a bit spaced out from one another. This is the reason that I would love to get veneers. However, they also cost the same as buying a small farm. So help me out, so I can take better selfies.
  5. HOT MESS LIFE:This cause makes the most sense, and I could actually get behind begging everyone for funds. The HotMessLife movement should become a thing, but I think I need more money than I currently have in my shopping fund. I’ll need money for my own website, staplers, pencils, and a hot assistant. With your donations, I promise to become extremely famous and multiply everyone’s money, and dedicate my life to make you all laugh. I promise not to sell out or make a sex tape. But if I did, I will need your help again with the marketing funds.



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