(Just another excuse to post this fantastic picture of myself on the internet)
I am currently finishing up my third fantasy football draft. That’s right, you heard me- MY THIRD DRAFT. I’ve been in one free league for three years now, and made it to the championship game once. Bragging felt good for a while, but I wanted some cash. However, my guy friends at work have continued vote me out of their monetary league; I’m assuming out of fear and hate. After some social media complaining about my male counterparts not allowing me into their paid leagues, I was finally allowed into two additional groups. Finally, I’m ready to take someone’s money!
If you don’t know about the world of fantasy football, you’re either a woman or from Europe. I’m here to educate those of you who are in the dark about this burgeoning avenue of acceptable nerd behavior, especially women. Granted, women love football and sports overall now more than ever before, but many of us are still uneducated about the world of athletics and how everything works. If you are a lady out there who wants to either a) truly learn about fantasy football or b) pick up dudes with your football knowledge, I’m here to help you with both. Let’s hit the basics of fantasy football first:
- FANTASY FOOTBALL involves all individuals who are playing to hand select all the players on their very own football team. How great- you can have Tom Brady and Reggie Bush on the same team! Two hot guys at the same time! Unfortunately, this is all done on the internet, and this cannot happen in real life, hence the name fantasy football.
- FANTASY FOOTBALL will pit you against other teams created by the rest of your fantasy “league”, all of whom have created their own teams. Leagues can vary from 8-14 teams, give or take a few. The more teams included in your league, the more likely your team will suck.
- FANTASY FOOTBALL mirrors a real NFL season, as it will have the same amount of weeks played, and includes a playoff, to conclude before the actual NFL playoffs. You will play everyone in your league at least once, and this should keep you very busy between September and January ( will be very helpful if you are single- it will definitely keep you occupied).
- FANTASY FOOTBALL works like this: your drafted players score points depending on what they do: throwing/catching/running for touchdowns, interceptions, extra points, all regular football stuff. You win by scoring more points in that particular week than your opponent- very basic stuff. If you’re bad at math, don’t worry- the computer generates everything for you! All you have to do is stare at a computer for 12 hours a day, or your phone if you have a fantasy football app. This will easily distract you from drunk dialing your ex ( but probably not).
Now that we have the rules out-of-the-way, I’d like to bestow upon all of you ladies ( and anyone else) some of my personal observations that will help you understand the world of fantasy football, or at least a bit of what your boyfriend is talking about. Being able to comprehend this fantasy world for men will help you to understand why your boyfriend is distant for the entire fall and part of the winter, and may also help you to win if you get the chance to join and dominate your own league:
- The best part of it all is picking the name of your team. It’s like naming your baby, that it if you wanted to name your baby “Reggie’s Bushes”. As fantasy football is dominated by men, you will encounter some of the nastiest, crude team names, but this is what men do. Should you join a league, feel free to do what you want when naming your team, but the more clever, the better. There is no need to be gross, but the men in your league will show you respect if you do, as odd as this sounds. My team names this year are “Sorry For Your Loss” and “Marco… Flacco”. I know, I know- pretty awesome, right? Some of the more interesting names I’ve seen include “My Vick in a Box”, “Vajayjay Cutler”, “No Romo”, and the very classy, “Golden Taint”.
- After the fun of naming your team subsides, you actually have to go through the process of a draft. Most of them are conducted through a website ( i.e. Yahoo! Sports, ESPN, etc.), but there are many leagues that decide to have actually draft parties. How awesome- another reason to have a party! Just think, how fantastic would it be to be in a room full of men, chicken wings, and the brownies that you brought from home? Many leagues decide to have these draft at the home of fantasy football, Buffalo Wild Wings, or at their private residences. These drafts can go on for hours, especially if you’re online. If half of your league has a life, many of them won’t even show up, and the computer will automatically pick for them. If you’re not a person who knows football players and their skills, the computer will usually give you advice on who to pick, so it’s not too difficult. One word of advice: DO NOT PICK PLAYERS BASED ON THEIR LOOKS. This worked for me for one year only, the next season was a complete disaster.
- Because everyone gets 1-2 minutes to make a selection and you have to select 15 slots, this can often take forever. Being a woman who can multi-task, you can always catch up on your DVR’d episodes of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta like I am right now, while waiting for your next turn. By the time the episode is over, you should be done drafting your team.
Now you have a team! Felicia’s Fabulous Footballers is ready to play! I hope that you take all of this information and dominate your leagues. May you have many victories, tons of points scored, and several talking points to use the next time you’re in a sports bar. You will definitely impress the fellas with all of your newfound knowledge of the NFL. Now go out there and beat “1.21 JJ Watts”.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS