(Aftermath of Kanye’s Workout Plan- still working on the 2nd verse)
Why is the fitness industry a multi-billion dollar entity? It’s because we all want to be in the best shape of our lives and we have been provided a million ways achieve that goal. But why? Most people would have you believe that they strive for a vigorous fitness regimen because they wish for a better life full of energy and well-being, while living as long as possible. Family and friends will tell you they want to workout and get fit in order to be there for their spouse and children, being a good role model and influencing them in a healthy way. These reasons are all noble, worthy, and fantastic.
But is there anyone out there who’s willing to tell me why they really workout? Would anyone like to admit why they wake up at 6am to schlep to an unsanitary gym, just to move around in one place for 45 minutes, while sweating profusely? Is there any secret reason why anyone would want to dance to horrible techno-infused latin music for an hour while surrounded by 80-year-old women? I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I WORKOUT TO LOOK GOOD TO EVERYONE ELSE. And ain’t nothing wrong with that.
Please understand one thing: I do workout and strive for a healthy fitness regimen because I want to feel better internally, have more energy, and limit any possible health issues. But I really want to match my outer beauty with my enormous inner beauty. Sounds a bit superficial and slightly lame, but I know many of you think the same way, you just wont’ tell anyone. Let’s get real, no one takes workout bathroom selfies for themselves. Why do you think phones were made to share photographs to Instagram and then easily over to Facebook? You don’t keep these pictures in your phone to happily look over them and say to yourself, “Good job girl!”. You want other people to see you’ve been going hard on Kanye’s Workout Plan. Luckily, Hot Mess Life is here to reveal everyone’s underlying motivation to brave 24 Hour Fitness on a weeknight:
- TO INSPIRE HATE: A friend actually said this to me the other day while we decided to demolish our fitness goals and day drink on a Sunday afternoon. She is not an overweight person, so I asked her what her fitness goals were. She replied ” I want to inspire hate”. She said that she wanted to get to a point where her body looked so good, people stop and say “DAMN!”. I definitely know where she coming from. And so do you. How many of you aspire to have an ass that won’t quick like a professor coming up on tenure? How many of you also want said ass so other people can be envious of you? It’s a self-absorbing sentiment, but man, it feels so good.
- BETTER SELFIES: Do you usually take 32 personal phone photographs in order find one to post on Instagram? During this photo shoot, how many people are staring at you in the gym, wondering why you keep smiling in the mirror? Or what about the woman in the gym bathroom, who just wants you to get out of the way so she can wash her hands? Let me tell you something- no one posts their fugly post-workout pictures because they look awful. I usually only post the “after” pictures prior to anyone getting their hands on the “BEFORE” photo. Selfies are scientifically proven to boost self-esteem and are a clear indicator of underlying narcissism. And what’s so wrong with that? You better believe that if I do 100 crunches a day and I suddenly grow a behind, I’m posting that picture EVERYWHERE.
- FOR YOUR MAN: Many people out there say once someone gets a girlfriend/boyfriend, many will tend to let their bodies fall by the wayside. You’re thinking, now I got him, I can wear sweatpants everyday! You may feel comfortable letting that beer gut out now that you convinced her to be your girlfriend. Not so fast, my friend. I want to look fine for mine. Why wouldn’t you want to have your significant drool all over you every time they see you, and if they’re lucky, when you take your clothes off? I don’t do these squats for myself…
- YOU’RE STILL SINGLE: On the flip side, many of us out there workout to help prepare us to get the man/woman we want. We all know that you should be loved at any size and this does not mean that if you’re overweight or out of shape, you won’t find someone. But it is a belief held by many that are single that if they lose weight or get better thighs, it will ignite a spark and will cause the men to come to their yard, even without the presence of a milkshake.
Until my next gym selfie…
KEEP IT A HOT MESS