( Don’t judge me)
Straight from the Desk of Captain Obvious, there is one surefire way to lose weight and get healthier: Eat less crap, work out more. Oh my goodness, that’s insane! It’s such a simple concept but can be quite difficult to follow if you don’t know how to cook and have an extreme obsession with salt. In case you already didn’t know, eating more from the produce section than the Cereal aisle at Publix will allow you a lifetime of happiness, health, and the body to fit in skinny jeans. I’m here to give you a list of foods that you should avoid if you want to stay in shape. This list is also very interesting because it is also configured from all the things I like to consume. I have a long road ahead of me full of processed foods and Oreos, but we will get through this together. Hopefully by the end of this journey to knock these items off my grocery list, I might be able to pull a rapper, a NBA player, man, at least a dude wit’ a car…
Top 10 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Eat if You’re Trying to Get It Right and Get it Tight
- Cheese Eggs. Chili Cheese Fries. Cheeseburgers. You see where this is going. Just leave cheese alone ( I’m pretty sure crack is the main component of cheese).
- Ice Cream. You can have a scoop here and there ( here and there is not every weekend), but if you eat it out of the container, you need to control yourself. But seriously, it’s not your fault they make some of these containers the size of your hand. If it was the size of a pizza box, it would be a bit more difficult.
- Pizza. Pizza has cheese on it, and we’ve already established that cheese is the devil. And don’t try to eat that pizza with no cheese, because then you’re just eating pita bread with spaghetti sauce on it.
- Potato Chips. Don’t try to make yourself feel better by trying to justify eating “kettle chips” either- they’re all bad. But man, they are so bad that they are AWESOME. Have you ever experienced the joy of opening up a bag of plain Lay’s Potato Chips, knowing you getting to experience their extreme deliciousness? I’m probably not helping any by describing all these foods, but I have yet to feel this way about broccoli, so help me.
- Processed Meats. We’re talking lunch meat and bacon, girl. I’m a sandwich freak, so this has been the hardest for me. I’m just going to have to stop driving by Publix because if I get a whiff of one of their subs, I might start to drool. And let’s not talk about bacon (MEAT CANDY). Why do the worst things for you taste the best? It’s just not fair.
- Red Meat. Does it count if I cook it and it’s brown already? YES. Again, the most awesome food ever made is not so bueno when eaten in excess. So no more Philly cheese steaks…
Sorry, I had to stop for a minute because I began to cry about not having steak…
7. Beer. I don’t need a beer gut. I already got it through other avenues- no need to make it worse.
8. French Fries. McDonald’s soaks their fries in beef tallow to get people to eat them. Pure evil.
9. Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake. And yes, I want to my name on it ( I literally had to sing out the lyrics to the song so I had an accurate amount of “cakes” written down).
10. Food Sold From a Place that Has Neon Sign. If it’s open in the middle of the night, you shouldn’t eat from there. Let’s stick to our own kitchens and places that close at 10pm.
–KEEP IT A HOT MESS