You can buy anything on Amazon. Tablets, sheets, cameras, even wolf urine. As Cyber Monday kicks into high hear, millions of consumers around the world will be pointing and clicking to find the best deals within the Marketplace. I often find myself window shopping in malls and when I find something I like, I quickly check to see if Amazon has it on the cheap. Most of the time, it does! I’ve purchased books for pennies on the dollar, Christmas gifts, even diet supplements ( that was a mistake).
I wish I could other things on Amazon.com. Wouldn’t it be a perfect world if you could buy everything you ever wanted and more? For instance:
BOYFRIENDS: Hands down, this would be the hottest item on Amazon. I don’t even think the price would matter. It would be online dating that actually worked! You would even be able to use the awesome filters to narrow down the man you wish to purchase. Taller than 6 feet. Athletic. From the East Coast. Perfect teeth. Sense of humor. $5,999.99- CONFIRM PURCHASE! Even if you decided to peruse the discounted man items, Amazon has a another great feature called “User Reviews”. Don’t mind getting a man who’s been in a previous relationship? Read through user comments to determine if he’s worth the money. If you see a review that indicates homeboy ‘farts when he sleeps, and is rude to wait staff”, you can hold off on finalizing your transaction. Continue shopping!
FRESH KALE: I don’t know where you live, but it is EXTREMELY difficult to get fresh kale at a reasonable price in my hood. I usually have to wait until Sundays when my favorite farmer’s market is open to get some awesome greens, and it not is offered at Target’ Boutique and too expensive at Publix. It would be fantastic if I could just easily click once and have kale delivered to my house. Plus, it would help me avoid the ribs guy at the farmer’s market. Too many temptations in the outside world- staying protected in the confines of my house would be much easier.
MAN MAGIC WAND: We know you can’t change a man ( he should want to change for himself), but if you had a device that could do this for you, why wouldn’t you buy it? One wave of the MagicMike2000 Wand and your man now had a new wardrobe, can kiss better, and no longer snores. You would want to pay for the additional holiday shipping costs for this, so you can make him right, just in time for the holidays so he doesn’t embarrass you in front of your family and friends.
MIND-ERASER: Remember that thing you did in the Bahamas Spring Break, junior year? Yea, you want to forget that. But the mind works in mysterious ways and unfortunately, you’re always going to have some memories that you wish to forget, and will leave you with a guilty conscience. A mind-eraser device would come in handy when you want to forget that you ever bought those boots with the rhinestones on the heel, and wore them to a wedding. This would be a big-ticket item with athletes, frat boys, and people are often afflicted with the walk of shame.
GOOD CREDIT: How much would you pay for a good credit score? I think people would not hesitate to not only buy this off someone else, but would wait as long as it took to get to their doorstep. And if you decided to purchase the highest score offered, Amazon will award you an Amazon VISA credit card, so you can ruin your score again! What a great deal!
PERSONALITIES: Amazon has the best feature for this purchase: THE GIFT. You would be able to purchase any personality that you wished, and be able to quickly have it sent via email to the person of your choice! Is your co-worker annoying and nosy? Buy her a personality that will shut the hell up! Your girlfriend’s mom doesn’t have any boundaries and she judges you? Buy her a new personality, equipped with the gift of discretion! Is the guy you’re dating refusing to call you on the phone and plans dates last-minute? Buy him a personality which shows him how to dial a number and plan your dinner dates before Wednesdays!!!!!!
SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIPS: How much do you think a Cubs fan would spend to buy his baseball team a World Series? Wouldn’t you love to see your alma mater finally overcome a mediocre conference and beat ‘Bama? Don’t you think there’s a Pelicans fan out there somewhere who wants to shock the NBA world? Buying a ring for your team would be the ultimate gift. You are guaranteed to be in a good mood for at least a year. Amazon’s gifting feature would be good for this one as well, so you can buy a Superbowl ring for your friend who’s a Dolphin fan, so they shut the hell up about the ’72 Season and Dan Marino.
GOOD HAIR DAYS: Women know all about the confidence provided by a good hair day. When your hair is jacked up, you don’t even want to leave the house. This is where Amazon and internet shopping comes into play. While selecting Amazon’s 1-day shipping option is essential in this scenario, immediate delivery by email would be ideal. Download and boom! You can now walk out into society!
What do you wish YOU could buy on Amazon?
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS