GOOGLE: The Window To The Soul

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I forgot if french toast was made with eggs the other day, so I turned to my trusty Dell and the even more “trustworthy” Google search engine. I didn’t even get to touch the “F” key to type in “french”, before the search engine read my mind and just knew I wanted to make some breakfast. I kid you not, this is exactly what came up when I typed “how to make” in the Search window.

The Google search feature is an amazing thing. If you’re looking for something, Google is gonna find it. And quick as hell. As you can see from above, Google will finish your thoughts and guess what you’re looking to do, while giving you a few options. The options are generated by the most frequented key words and phrases typed into Google by the gazillion people on Earth with access to the webs. And if this picture is any indication, most people want to get rich, but also want to eat and get drunk off gelatin.

If you want to know about the odd and crazy things on people’s minds, just go to Google. I started to wonder just what other things people turn to the internet for, and you will not believe what I found. If these screenshots are any indication, we live in a world of individuals who cheat, smoke weed, want something for free, question the existence of evil, and a lot of women having unprotected sex:

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Apparently, we need to go to Google to find out if he’s just that into us. We may also be open to taking a quiz about it, because those are always scientifically accurate. There also seems to be a sense of urgency to find out if diet supplements work, and if they can get delivered on the weekend. This all could easily have been typed in by the same woman.

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Men are mad. Men are fed up. When your man storms out of the house after a huge fight, he doesn’t run to the bar or the nearest strip club. He’s on his iPhone, trying to find out if you are truly from this Earth, or from another planet. The argument started when he yelled at you for not following the GPS directions to Friday’s, and he was slightly frightened at the look on your face and the green hue of your skin when you told him where he could shove his GPS. This leads him to believe that you might be able to take him, and that you just might be better behind the wheel.

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If your search engine history truly did follow you around, most of us would be screwed. Especially those who want to illegally obtain stuff for free ( AKA, steal). How much of an idiot do you have to be to look for illegal copies of Katy Perry Albums? Do you really need to watch “Bad Grandpa” right now? And although it is not exactly obvious where one could procure a money order, if you don’t know where to get a stamp, you don’t need a computer.

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When you turn to the internet to find out what “HE’S” doing, it’s a number of things. Once the quiz is taken and you find out he IS the one, you should be happy, right? Uh, not really. Late-night texts are dinging on his phone, and all he wants to do is take a shower when he come home at 4am. What in the world is he doing? Will you be able to figure it out? And if he’s cheating, does he have something? And could you get it? It’s going to be hot where he’s going. And you know it exists, because you Googled it.

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Hey, Stoner Guy: only you need to feel comfortable with your decision to get high. And to you, Fashion-Conscious Diva, don’t ask Google, ask the bride. I thought it was funny that so many people want to know if it’s ok for their dog to eat grass. I’ve never seen a dog do this, but I guess if they sniff their own butts and eat poop, grass shouldn’t kill them. Oh, and ladies, who cares about tuna? You’re pregnant!!! You should be looking up the ramifications of eating a tub of cole slaw and a block of goat cheese at 3am.

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Why do women cheat? Because you’re not tall. Your shortcomings could also be the reason ladies wear stilettos and push-up bras. To get to the taller men. Duh.

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Green poop is a legitimate fear, and apparently pregnancy as well. That is all.

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You don’t even have to type in the word DIE, yet 3 of the 4 most popular questions involving “anyone”revolve around death. What is even more absurd is that none of the deathly inquiries are connected to common fears. Are people curious about dying from eating too much at one time or while choking? Noooo, more people want to know if they’re going to succumb to smoking weed or die at Disney. They just hope it doesn’t happen before they’ve beaten Candy Crush. Priorities, people.

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