I’m Never Gonna Quit Quitting

( this is exactly what I look like after I let Shaun T. yell at me through the Blu-Ray player)

I’m doing INSANITY again. The first time I made it through 6 weeks, and then decided to quit because I like cheeseburgers too much. I’ve gone on a “diet” 3-4 times per week, for the last 8 years. I’ve taken herbal supplements, went on a juice fast, got a stomach virus, and done a few other thing to get it right and get it tight. And then for some odd reason I just stop. At least I can say I’m consistently inconsistent…

So I’m back on the bandwagon. I’m currently in the middle of Week 3, and it’s not TOO terrible. Is it because I know all the moves ( even though I still can’t do nobody’s push-ups with Thelma and Louise weighing me down)? Perhaps, but I have also decided to take a more realistic approach to the workout, and to this whole losing weight/getting sexy/getting healthy thing. Because you can’t turn Precious into Halle Berry overnight. I mean you could, but I don’t have that type of money. My INSANITY DVDs are bootleg, for heaven’s sake. So this is what I’ve come to learn, and I hope you can benefit from my many mistakes:

  1. I’M NOT A ROBOT: The chick in the front row of all the workout videos is closer to the ideal weight on that “Ideal Weight/Height ” scale you see in your doctor’s office than I am. We are both 5 feet, but I probably have a good 50 lbs. on her. She is also a 32AAA, when I’ve been working with double D’s since high school. The girls are no match for any high-intensity, cardio program. So I am going to do what I can, because I’m only human. And I have a huge rack, which may prevent me from ever running anywhere, except into T.J. Maxx, to get 6 more sports bras ( I have to wear two at a time).
  2. I NEED TO STOP CALLING MYSELF FAT: Have you ever said ‘I’m so fat” to people just you can hear them tell you you’re not?  I’ve been guilty of that. It’s a terrible habit, just like being addicted to cheese. I need to stop, and so do you. Especially since I feel like people might agree with me if I keep asking…
  3. WITH ENOUGH DETERMINATION AND SOCIAL MEDIA HUMILIATION, YOU CAN ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS: Do you know how many people have watched me the first time around the INSANITY train? Cheered me on while I juiced for two weeks ( I was ready to go BEN WALLACE on people)? Called me an inspiration?  Watched my fitness journey play out in front of them like a long-ass game of Monopoly ( at one point, everyone wants to quit)? Well, those same people are hopefully still there, shaking their heads or praying for me. I promise I’m not through yet, because…
  4. GETTING FIT IS A LEARNING PROCESS: I need to learn to eat the right foods. I need to learn how to say no to drugs, I mean McDonald’s. I need to learn how to do a proper push-up. And sit-up. And any other “up” that requires my spaghetti arms to push all this weight off the floor. I need to stop comparing myself to Jillian Michaels. I need to learn how to say no to my friends who want to eat fried everything. I need to grow to love kale. But what I really need to do is get of my non-existent butt and get myself together. Because apparently, I only have two years left to get married and have a baby, I need some good bait for that to happen.

-KEEP IT A HOT MESS

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