I Don’t Love the 80s


Well, I’m getting ready to say adios to the 80’s…

It’s been a fun ride while it lasted. Actually, it sucked. It’s been a whirlwind of crappy food, heavy breathing, wearing the same 3 pairs of pants, rubbing holes in my jeans due to the friction between my thighs, sleepless nights, and stomach aches. I’ve sort-of worked my butt off the last two months and lost a whopping 5 pounds, and I figured now is the time to kick it in to high gear- any gear at this point, because I’ve been pretty lazy. I also just realized that the wedding I’m in that takes place in June is in fact NOT 5 months from now, but a mere 60 days. No one said I went to Cranbrook or the U for math.

I figure I can lose another 10 pounds by the wedding, if I just apply myself and resist the urge to eat anything with more than 4 ingredients. As I happily say goodbye to the 180s, I realize that I will also have to say goodbye to several other vices that have been my friends since I decided to pack on the College 40. I barely survived Lent when I gave up burgers, Pepsi, and Starbucks, so I think this next step I’m going to take could be even worse.

It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Processed Deli Meats: I’m a sandwich lover. It’s the poor man’s best friend, and the person who doesn’t cook’s worst enemy. Especially if they are trying to lose weight. Sandwiches are so easy to make in such a short amount of time, that it easily deters me from every cooking anything. Breakfast? Egg whites and bacon sandwich. Lunch? Roast beef on a multigrain roll with extra mayonnaise and tomato. Dinner?  A chicken sandwich. Do you see where I’m going with this? Sans the eggs, chicken, and bacon ( I will never give that up and you can’t make me), I am a huge connoisseur of all preserved and salt-infused “meats”. I eat so many deli sandwiches from Publix, that if I go into the store and they don’t have a multigrain roll that can be stuffed with my delicious Boar’s Head Roast Beef, I will walk right out. How sad is that? When I gave up beef, I found myself seriously contemplating on what else I could possibly eat. I forgot what it was like to experience the taste of vegetables. And since I don’t want to die from an overdose of sodium nitrate, I’m going to give it up for a while.

It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Delicious Fried Things: How many times have you ordered a hamburger at a restaurant and didn’t even listen to the waiter who asked if you wanted “fries with that?”. It’s an instinctive choice, that many people overlook. Do you know how much mindpower you need to have to make the choice of a salad, baked potato, or cole slaw instead? Heaven forbid, a SIDE OF VEGGIES??? Be truthful: how many of you pull up to the drive through at Wendy’s and have seriously contemplated all the other “side choices” in lieu of french fries?  How delicious is your cheeseburger really going to be if you have it with a side of sliced apples?

I must have a love affair with batter. If you fry it, I will probably eat it. No, I will definitely eat it. I truly believe there is some frightening ingredient within fry batter that make people addicted to it, as it coats their favorite treat. Fry batter is so malicious, that it will cause you to eat things you don’t even like. Green beans?  Uggh!  FRIED green beans? Why not. Tomatoes?  Only on a burger. FRIED green tomatoes?  Don’t mind if I do…

It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Eating After 8pm: Do you recall what happens when you feed a Gremlin after midnight? Well, a similar phenomenon happens when I continue to eat after 8pm on a weeknight. It doesn’t help that I work at night (not what you’re thinking), and by the time I get home, all is silent. Everyone is asleep, and no one is separating me from the fridge and my cupboards. When I eat that late, do I continue to do strenuous activities late into the evening to burn the calories?  Of course not. Instead of going to the gym or walking around the living room 50 times, I’m propped up in bed watching Scandal on my computer, logging into Facebook 50 times, all the while eating my sodium nitrate sandwich, topped with cheese product.

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye To Fast Food: High Fructose Corn Syrup. Beef tallow. Big Macs. Whoppers. Singles w/ Cheese. Biggie Size-It. Super-Size It. Go Large. McGriddles. McRibs. Frostys. McFlurries. Whopper Jrs. Quarter Pounders. Quarter Pounders w/Cheese. McNuggets. Hot Fudge Sundaes. Baconzilla Fries (WTF?). French Toast in the form of sticks. Chicken Rings. Anything from White Castle. Popcorn Chicken. Tacos enveloped in Doritos. McDoubles. Baconators. 82-oz. Cokes. Now that you have mentally overstimulated yourselves, say goodbye to it. Because I am. Well, at least until I finish with my Maid of Dishonor duties in June.

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye To Drinking Wine: JUST KIDDING. Let’s not get crazy.


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