Well, I lost a pound from last week. Now I’m right back to where I started. I’m not sure if I’m having some type of moment or what, but let me confess something that shouldn’t be much of a secret: losing weight is hard.
I’ve gained and lost the same 2 pounds for over a month now. I had ribs and ice cream last night, and I didn’t get dumped. I gave up red meat for Lent, and have picked up Bacon as a Second Language (BSL). I’m confused, lack willpower, and I usually just want to take a nap after eating anything with cheese in it (which is usually everything I eat). I need to stage an intervention on myself. I also know that I’m throwing myself a good old-fashioned pity party, because this goal of mine is extremely feasible and I could reach it fairly easily. If I could just stop eating my feelings, which just happen to be drenched in mayonnaise and cheese.
21 Reason Why Losing Weight Is Hard
- Dollar Menus and 2-for-1 cheeseburger promotions at “Restaurants” that just happen to be open 37 hours a day.
- Lack of Dollar Menus (or cheap promotional deals) at your local grocery for apples and asparagus.
- The man who ate Big Macs everyday for 25 years, and still weighs less than my nephew.
- The lady who drinks 3 Big Ass Gulps a day, but is still alive- did I mention she can run faster than me?
- The prep time for cooking a decent meal- after 20 minutes, I’m exhausted and I just want to take a nap. After eating a cookie, of course.
- My obsession with mayonnaise.
- The fact that I can eat ribs and ice cream and somehow lose weight, but I eat salads for three days straight, and I gain 2 pounds.
- Willpower is something I know nothing about. Just like what it’s like to go out with a gentleman.
- It’s really hard to fight the Itis.
- Because John Legend shared his Mac & Cheese recipe with the world. Not my fault- I am a helpless victim.
- Cereal. Not the granola ones,-I’m talking about Golden Crisp, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops. See? The names even sound more inviting- how are you going to have fun with Raisin Bran? I want to go to a Captain Crunch party!
- The waiter who ask you if you want coffee, brandy, or dessert after a meal. Leave me alone before I start making bad decisions.
- The fact that you have to jump up and down in most workout regimes. That’s pretty hard for me. Are there any vigorous workout plans where I can just sit on my couch and watch Breaking Bad?
- Preparing lunches for the week is also time-consuming. Since everyone wants me to put more effort into my appearance, by the time I’m done plucking and moisturizing everything, I need to get out the door! Lunch or looking hot? Pick one!
- Exercising affects your breathing. I’m not trying to pass out.
- Chocolate bacon.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS