Breaking Bad Food


“Cookies don’t die, they multiply”- I said this

I gave up fast food for good about a month ago. I went 3 whole weeks  without encountering a Golden Arch, a red-head girl, or a scary King look-a-like. Then I left work one night and was so hungry, that I thought I was slowly giving birth to a Gremlin. Seriously, that’s what my stomach felt like- Stripes, Jr. was about to make his debut into the world. Next thing I know, I am in the parking lot of Burger King with a chicken sandwich wrapper strewn across my front seat, my stomach was killing me, and I was ashamed.

Just in case you had no clue, kicking an addiction is extremely difficult. And yes, food addiction is very similar to drug and alcohol addiction. When all you have ever known is that Popeye’s chicken skin is awesome on its own, there’s always a carb party for dinner, and a sprinkle of sugar can make you eat your collard greens a little bit easier to digest, what else are you supposed to when you want to finally start eating 3-5 servings of fruits and vegetables per day?

I have probably attempted to “get it together” at least once per week, going on 8 years now. Noooot really working for me, as you can see. Instead of the “Freshman 15”, I have gained the “College 40”, and have never been able to take it off. Perhaps its the lack of willpower, I never seem to finish anything, or that high fructose corn syrup is fantastic- I can’t figure it out. Lately, I have been trying to contemplate exactly why I can never seem to get on the right path to healthy living and eating, and decided to come up with a list of (obvious) reasons why it’s absolutely necessary that I “get it together”:

  1. Lose weight, feel great ( I’m such a slogan writer!)
  2. Reduce high blood pressure
  3. Reduce the number of multiple chins in possession
  4. Maybe have some little muffins in the near future and be able to chase them around my huge mansion’s front yard

All the aforementioned reasons are completely valid and staring me straight in the face, yet I still continue to eat cheeseburgers after 3 days of dieting. Why, why , WHY was I doing this to myself??? Then one day it hit me: I eat when I am absolutely bored and can’t figure out anything else to do! I mean, who does that??? I do, apparently. Then when I decided to make a conscious effort to recognize the lulls in my activity when I felt hunger coming on, I also realized that I think about food way too much. I think this is the long-term relationship I’ve been wanting all these years. I just had no idea that French Fries were my significant other.

Finally, one night, I decided that I would write down all the weird thoughts that ran through my mind when I started to think about food, to see if it could help in turning things around. When I started writing, I really didn’t give it much of a thought, and when I was finished, I got distracted (what a surprise), and told myself I would blog about it later. As I went to write this piece, I retrieved my odes to fast food and I swear it was at least 4 pages long!  I almost cried-I was afraid of my scary ass food thoughts! But hey, I’ve always said that my life is a hot mess, and rarely do I put a filter on my feelings that I share with you all.  So I give to you my “Fat Girl Love Letters”, a rambling piece of hot mess. Please pray for me and smack me if you see anything greasy or chocolate/cheese-filled in my hand:

“I’m going to miss my chocolate/salty/H20 combo. What better snack is there than M&M’s straight outta the freezer, a bag of Lay’s plain potato chips, and a tall glass of ice water?  Um, nothing!”

“I go to Cajun Grill just to get chicken. Perhaps I want to put it on a salad, who knows? The lady behind the counter starts to crinkle her face into a smile that suggests familiarity and says, ‘Just chicken? Oh ok, we don’t have the burgers anymore’. HOW DARE YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I’VE BEEN HERE SO MUCH THAT YOU KNOW MY FACE AND MY ORDER?!?!”

“I’m going to miss the way Pepsi makes me feel. Even the fizz that goes up your nostrils, and nearly choking if you take too much of a sip. Yep, gonna miss that too.”

“Aaah, cheese. So. Much. Cheese. No words. I’m speechless. Sorry, I have to wipe my tears from my notebook really quick.”

“Aussie cheese fries were put on Earth to make people feel better about themselves. Not their actual physical selves, but more internally.”

“Why are double-cheeseburgers only $1 and available 24 hours, yet I have to hit Publix before 11pm to get a $6 bag of grapes?  I swear I would eat more fruits and veggies if the tables were turned. Oh, and if  broccoli tasted like BBQ ribs…”

“There is nothing like the pure joy I feel right before I know I am going to eat some bacon. Extra crispy, or even a little undercooked it doesn’t even matter. It’s absolutely heaven to eat. There’s a reason it’s called meat candy.”

“Sandwiches are my downfall. I will make anything into a sandwich, and that scares me. If I can put it between two pieces of bread, or a multigrain sub roll if I’m lucky, it’s going down!”

“I’m going to miss eating my feelings. And also being in  semi-committed relationship with butter-laden carbohydrates.  We finally have to break up so I can prepare myself up to being emotionally wide-opened and subsequently demolished by an extremely attractive man who smiles and nods all the time (I imagine this is the type of man I’ll end up with sans the extra weight- I hope that Tyson Beckford and I can make it work)”

(I frighten myself with my own thoughts)


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