This Biscuit Needs Butter…Why I Apparently Need a Makeover

Whenever I am with my mom, she constantly sends me subliminal messages regarding my current state of dress. Once we went out for a family dinner to our local pizzeria, and she inquired on whether I was going to change. I asked what for, as all we were going to do was eat pizza with the family. She gave my white khakis and grey “OBAMA FOR YO’ MAMA” shirt a once-over and rolled her eyes. Okay, maybe that particular ensemble isn’t the best evidence to plead my case…

My mother then went on her repeated diatribe on how I dress like I don’t care what people think about me. I also dress as if I don’t want a husband, like I’m going to the gym, and that I must only take 15 minutes to get dressed at any given time. She is accurate in the sense that I don’t care what other people think of how I dress, because I like to be comfortable. However, she is incorrect because I would like a husband EVENTUALLY, just not right now. That would cause me to have to learn how to cook something other than an omlette and learn how to listen to people when they are talking. Oh, and I usually only take about 10 minutes to get dressed in the morning, including the application of face paint (aka MAKEUP).

But I do understand where my mother is coming from. She’s not the only one that tells me that I should take more time to put myself together, as the majority of my friends feel the same way. I have conducted several meetings with the IP conglomerate and most of them have told me that I am “too cute” to not care about my clothes, not know enough about makeup, and that there is no reason I should not be on 2 dates per week. I get bombarded with these messages so much, that I’m starting to believe them. Here’s a rundown of a few other gems:

“You wear too much black!”

“Your eyes are too pretty to have those jacked up eyebrows…”

“You should be getting a manicure and pedicure AT LEAST every 3 weeks”

“Did you do your hair this morning?”

“Are you sure you put makeup on? Lip gloss does not count!”

“You don’t even MATCH!”

“You’re already to go? You took 15 minutes to get dressed!”

“Are you sure you want to wear that?”

Now don’t get me wrong, I have been known to take my time and put on makeup, nice clothes and do my hair- and the finished product is pretty sweet. But it usually takes 2 hours and half a bottle of wine to complete that masterpiece. Who has that time EVERYDAY to iron out their clothes, apply a fresh coat makeup, AND make sure their hair doesn’t look crazy? I’m simply too impatient for all of that. I guess all my girlfriends have this craft mastered because they’ve been doing it for so long, but it’s kind of annoying. But then again, so is being single…

Now that we’re on the subject of LOVE & DATING, my hesitancy is further fueled by the fact that I know that it doesn’t take all that for a man to be attracted to you. I was once approached by a young gentleman who inquired on the status of my love life as I wore a pair of cutoff football sweat pants and a ragged  Tootsie’s ” I Love Strippers” T-Shirt in the line at Starbucks. Ok, maybe the shirt got him, but you get my point. Like babies and puppies, are men attracted to shiny things to play with, in this case, a pretty girl with rosy cheeks and painted nails? YES. But in the end, will they still play with their own poop and be just as happy and amused? HELL YES. You get my point. However, my mother ( along with my cousin, my granny, 3 of my girls, and at least 2 strangers) believe that men would be flocking to my door if I just put myself together. Who knew that all I had to do to get a man was iron my clothes before I put them on, paint my toenails red, and put on some eyeshadow?

But I believe in trying new things, and am willing to work on this phenomenon of being “ladylike”. I have a decided to conduct an experiment of sorts, and actually do all of these things the people in my life claim I’m not doing right. I am going to sacrifice sleep to wake up earlier to get myself together in the morning. I’ll ask my girlfriends to take me shopping to buy different clothes to fit my body. I’ll even pluck my eyebrows. This won’t be easy, but if something drastic happens like Brad Pitt asking me out for dinner at Morton’s, then I guess it’ll be worth it. I would start tomorrow, but I think I need to rest up this weekend and read some books about foundation and how to walk in 5-inch heels, Wish me luck…



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