Muffin Tops Are Evil, So I Killed Mine: Month 9

QUICK UPDATE: You know I haven’t seen Gym Crush since I posted that last entry?  Really????? Why am I going to the gym 4-5 times a week? To get healthy? Don’t make no sense. I’ll let you know when I see him again ( he was probably scared of all my hotness and decided to cancel his membership)….

Things are actually going really good. I’m in the stretch of the project where I have many people asking me if I lost weight and noticing, because I actually have. It only took me 10 months to lose 9 lbs (don’t judge me; I work on my own time)! But hey, progress is progress. I recently became addicted to this app on my phone called “My Fitness Pal”, which counts your calories and tracks your progress. I highly recommend it to anyone having some issues getting it right and getting it tight. The only issues that I have with this program is a) it is honest, and b) I eat one banana and my sugar intake for the day is over. WTF? How am I supposed to eat cookies?

As I take in the questions and comments on if I have lost weight, I have been focusing on what people are actually looking at. Obviously I feel different, clothes are looser, and I have tracked the weight loss- but looks can be deceiving. Plus a 9 lb loss over 10 months is EXTREMELY gradual, like how wine creeps up on you. You start drinking a glass, don’t really notice anything, next thing you know you’ve killed a whole bottle of Barefoot Moscato. But as always, I digress.

A lot of people I know hate scales. ABSOLUTELY abhor them. This circle of friends includes myself. They can be very deceiving, as muscle weighs more than fat, blah, blah, blah. So it has been advised that the best way to track your progress is noticing the fit of your clothes. I know a few ladies, including myself, who will refuse to let go a pair of jeans until they can fit back into them. Remember the SATC episode when Miranda was able to get back into her “skinny” jeans?

                                                                                       

Fitting into those old jeans made her feel HOT, SEXY, and FABULOUS! Everyone wants to have that feeling- whether they are Versace, Guess, Levis, or Used Jeans (Detroiters will remember those!). Finally being able to button up those bad boys without having to be horizontal on your bed while simultaneously breathing in and praying is one of the best feelings in the world!

Remember “The Jeans” from a couple of months ago? I mentioned that they were impossible to get past my huge thighs, let alone button up. The major obstacle I had to overcome was the presence of a being that plagues a bazillion people all over the world : the dreaded MUFFIN TOP.

                                            

Muffin-top” is a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh (fat) when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirts in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing. (SIDENOTE: I had two sources to draw this definition from, but favored Wikipedia, due to their use of the word “pejorative”)

Yeah, my MT (gangsta abbreviation for muffin top) was in the way of my dating life and ability to put on my pants. Luckily, it has significantly decreased, due to this phenomenon known as “EATING RIGHT” and “EXERCISING”. I decided to take a few pictures of my MT to track my progress. Each week, I put on “The Jeans” and then took a picture in order to see what I looked like. I chronicled my progression for three weeks leading up to my Boston trip, and as previously indicated, I was able to put them on prior to the trip, but after a few cannolis and Italian wine, could not put them on upon my return. And then the other day I tried them on again. GREAT SUCCESS! Those mofos fit!

What I am about to reveal is something that I don’t think many people would do. I will probably regret it later, but by then, I’ll be too sexy to notice. May I present to you:

“THE PHOTOGRAPHIC CHRONICLES OF BISCUIT’S MUFFIN TOP” ( I know, how ironic)……

This was 3 weeks prior to my trip. As it was my first photograph, it was the most tragic, and I obviously needed all those tissues on the sink. And man, was it H-A-R-D to even button those suckers up. The zipper was crying and begging me to stop. I must have taken this picture a dozen times, and the same image kept popping up on my camera. I became really distraught and upset, which was even worse, as the added weight of emotion caused the button to pop. And of course when I took them off, there was the dreaded imprint of button and waistband on my flesh… looks like I was in a fight with half-a-dozen rubber stamps….

One week down, two to go! When I took this pic, I couldn’t believe it! My MT looked completely different. You couldn’t see my crazy belly button imprint anymore, and I could breathe a little better. Sure, my zipper was still mad at me, but man, I made some freakin’ progress!  I can’t remember what I did that previous week, but I obviously spent a significant amount of time in the loo, hence the book. Deep thinking=WEIGHT LOSS!

Apparently, I thought I was doing something and slacked off, because my MT grew slightly. I was a week away from my trip, and back into my bad habits. What is it about weight loss that gets people so excited in the beginning that they feel they can celebrate by eating cheeseburgers?  Happens to me all the time. But hey, (CLICHE ALERT!) bad habits die slowly.  But I could fit into the jeans before I got on the plane to Beantown, then I completely imploded when I got back to the MIA. I couldn’t fit into anything. I started to collect all the clothes that I couldn’t fit into anymore in my armoire, then discovered I had nothing to wear in my regular closet. That made me kinda sad. So I didn’t want to take pictures of anything. Then that “SWITCH”  people kept telling me about was finally turned on. I stop eating so much crap. Went to the gym a few more days a week. Stopped putting myself to sleep with wine and drank water. And BOOM!

Present Day MT! I’m down to a low-carb muffin, but a muffin nonetheless, so I still have work to do. It felt so good to put on those jeans and breathe in and out at the same time. Plus, these jeans make me look like I have a boo-tay (which always help because I lost mine in the spring of ’99). What do these photos teach us, besides the fact that I have a messy bathroom?  1. If I can gradually lose my MT, anybody can, 2. White shirts don’t do ANYONE justice, 3. Don’t get rid of your “skinny” jeans if you don’t want to, and 4. you can always feel comfortable putting up horrible “BEFORE” pictures of yourself, as long as you’ve already gotten close to your “AFTER”.

My Fitness Pal Website Information:

www.myfitnesspal.com (Also available on the Android Market and for iPhones)

(all pictures courtesy of GOOGLE IMAGES unless otherwise specified they are NOT MY PROPERTY)

3 thoughts on “Muffin Tops Are Evil, So I Killed Mine: Month 9

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