Pass That Dutch


face( This is my face when I have to get out some money on a date)

“Nothing will dry up a vagina faster than a woman reaching for her wallet”- Chris Rock

I felt compelled to write about this topic, because well, it’s a hot mess…

I met a man recently at work, whom we’ll call Santa Claus.  Why? Before he told me his real name, he actually called himself Santa Claus.  As if he was going to grant me some wishes, such as a boyfriend or the gift of height. That should have been my first red flag…

I had seen him before- thought he was attractive, but really didn’t pursue anything. He resembles a taller, lighter, bulkier version of Mike Tyson.  Ok, so he doesn’t look like Tyson at all, but that’s who pops in my head when I think of this guy (second reg flag!). He would always say hi to me, but I just assumed he was being friendly.  We were finally have a conversation  the other night as I was leaving to head home, and exchanged numbers.  He even called TWICE and left MESSAGES!  A rare find with today’s man…

We had our first conversation last night, and it was definitely our last.  He started off by saying how much he wanted to see me and how cute I was.  I thought this was awesome male behavior, and assumed we were in the process of planning our first date.  After the plan of coming over to my house was quickly thwarted, he offers up his residence.  I politely refuse, explaining that I’d much rather meet him in a public place on a first date (frankly, I’m not sure how my defensive ninja skills would play out without an audience).   He asked if I meant more along the lines of a movie or dinner, to which I replied yes. He then gives me this gem:

“I know you don’t think I’m a spend money on you.”

WTF? I couldn’t believe my ears. I said “So you’re telling me you would suggest going dutch on the first date???”

“Oh hell yeah. Dutch is my best friend. Me and Dutch go waaay back.”

He then goes on this diatribe that includes the following gems:

  1. He doesn’t spend money on women he doesn’t know: “Why I’m a spend money on some woman I don’t even know is worth it?” (bad grammar is also arsenal in his repertoire)
  2. Paying for a woman’s dinner and taking her out to the movies is another form of prostitution
  3. All the women in the world had a meeting on MARS and decided they were going to take “all the ni**as’ money” (he seriously said this)
  4. If he’s paying for everything, he better get some at the end of the night
  5. Independent women should want to pay for all their own stuff
  6. He’s the “realest” man on the planet

After putting forth his argument on why he will never get laid again, he continues to ask me out amidst laughter (from me, of course).  Many of you would ask why I continued talking to him for that long, but I just couldn’t hang up!  I literally felt that I was going to miss out on him saying something else stupid- and look, I got a blog entry out of it!

It is also important to note that as he continued to ask me out, he said I wasn’t on his “level”.  What level is this?  Apparently, this guy played in the NFL for ten years, has 3 Superbowl rings, a 3-car garage attached to a 6-bedroom house, and $7 million in the bank, all the while hurling insults at me driving down I-95 in his Bentley on 22-inch rims.  If this the case Santa Claus, why in the hell can’t you pay for my half of some Southwestern Egg Rolls and 2-for-1 margaritas at Chili’s?! (sidenote: if I Google you, and the first three options don’t allow me to validate your identity, it ain’t real, SON)

He then goes on to say that he used to date a dancer at my job, called me a mere “mascot”, and stated I should be honored that he’s even asking me out. He thought I was fool to give all that up, and said he can’t wait to run into me at Prime 112 and laugh at the fool who’s pulling out his Amex. I wished him the best of luck in his future in endeavors, to which he also replied “What?” , because I’m pretty sure he never heard the word before. Eventually, I hung up on him, because my face hurt from laughing so hard, and quite frankly, I was sick of him assuming that I was so uptight because my lady parts must resemble an explosive device.

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