You’ll Have to Excuse Me, I Eat Like a Cuban Refugee…


( the aftermath was similar to this…it’ll make sense in a minute)

I get a random email from someone named Stacy who has this to say: “Hi! Remember me? (obviously not) I was from the EMU basketball team. I hope you remember me (again, obviously not)… how’s it going?”
So I’m thinking, who in the hell is this? When I did I meet you? What girl do I know plays basketball for Eastern? And how in the world did you get my email?? I calmly reply that I cannot recollect this encounter. I then inquire if Stacy can refresh my memory. The next day, I get this reply:
“My intramural team was playing in Orlando, and we were supposed to come down to Miami to hang out with you and your girls. But I actually met you at a Pistons game in Detroit. I’m a tall, dark-skin guy with a bald head”….
A MAN! Yes!! Of course that changed things and eased my mind a bit. Now that I knew I hadn’t made some weird error in judgement, I email Stacy my number because (1) I have confirmation he is indeed a MAN, (2) I’m back in town, and (3) I need to hug a dude.
He calls me a couple days later, and proceeded to eat up an hour and forty-five minutes of my anytime minutes. Yes, the conversation was that good. Nonetheless, I was planning on demanding my $20 dollars back, so we finally decided to meet. Through our conversation, I was able to jog my memory and recall how hot he was. This made our exciting date for Chili’s in a couple of days much more desirable.
We decided to meet around noon the day of Chili-Gate. Stacy said he would meet me at the restaurant and that he would be driving a Ford Focus (-6 points). I started to question his ability to think , but I tried to not hold his taste against him. But then he asked politely if I wouldn’t mind going DUTCH (-5000 points). WTF?? What was I supposed to say? “Um, no that’s really unfortunate that you can’t scrounge up $10 bucks for lunch, no matter how broke you are, for the date you invited me to??? But I didn’t. I said it was fine. Perhaps it was the need to see a man at the time. Or maybe I was just that hungry.
I get to Chili’s before Stacy, so I decided to watch him walk in so I could check him out. The bright red Focus pulls into the parking lot and Stacy gets out of the car. He was indeed very tall (+10 points) and extremely attractive (+7 points). However, he had his polo shirt tucked in (-3 points) his jean shorts (-6 points). Again, hunger was setting in, so I decided to go in anyway.
I ordered egg rolls (since I had to pay), and he ordered some boneless buffalo wings and fries. He actually discussed his lunch decision over the phone, which I found peculiar. I just assumed he really liked Chili’s. While waiting for our order, Stacy and I engaged in a bit of small talk. He was actually a pretty interesting guy (+3 points), despite his penchant for being a cheap ass. His phone kept going off and he was actually answering it (-2 points) because he was a “busy man with work”.
Our food finally comes and Stacy hits me with this : “You’ll have to excuse me, I eat like a Cuban refugee”. Um, I wasn’t sure how to take that comment. Luckily, I was able to get an example of what he was talking about: he ate the wings like I was going to steal them from him at any moment! He said the reason for that was that he grew up poor as a kid and had to fight his siblings for food at the table. I started to empathize with him until he began to take 3 fries and a time and shovel them into his mouth (-5 points). He didn’t even come up for air until they were all gone. The grossest part was that he dipped the wings AND the fries in a mountain of ketchup and slurped the ketchup off. I was so disgusted, that I couldn’t wait until the date was over. He walked me to the car, and gave me too-long hug. He even swooped in for a kiss, but I was afraid he would deposit a whole tomato in my mouth, so I politely declined. This was one date in which I was not upset that he didn’t call.KEEP IT A HOT MESS

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