I was all set to share with you the hilariousness of my London trip, but when a man calls you a dude because you won’t sleep with him, you have to tell that story first.
I began messaging with a gentleman, we’ll call him Cray, who said he was fairly new to Miami. We appeared to have many things in common, including football, live music, and meeting strangers on the internet. Cray stated in his profile that he was looking to meet new people, and ultimately someone he could have a long-term relationship with. Where have I heard that before…
To even attempt to narrate this exchange would be impossible. I will let our wonderful text exchange speak for itself:
Cray: Send me a photo of you
Me: Is there something wrong with the photos from the app? LOL ( I have a plethora on my profile, and I hate when men do this, but I tried to keep it light)
Cray: I’m lazy
Me: Lmao. I don’t like lazy 🙂
Me (again): Hey I just noticed your profile is gone. Did you just delete it? lol
Me: Why did you do that? (Answer = girlfriend)
Cray: I needed to refresh my options
Me: Please elaborate
Cray: Please send photos. Sorry. I don’t have them of you
(this is where I would drop out of the race, but everyone says I’m too stringent, so I let it continue)
Me: You’re something else. I can send you one.
Cray (after seeing pics): Ok I don’t remember you because we didn’t talk
Me: Yea. I sent two because one has straight hair and one curly- sometimes people get confused 🙂
Cray: I like it straight
Me: Thanks 🙂
Me: (I begin to type) So you said you were looking for…
Cray: YOU HAVE NICE BOOBS
Me: (backspace/backspace/backspace/backspace) I was just about to ask you again what you were looking for…now I know lol
Cray: See your answer is typical liberal BS. You’re on Tinder! This is why dating in the US is very stupid
(First of all, I swore this guy was from Chicago… now you’re a conservative gent from overseas?!)
Me: Wow ok. So because I’m on Tinder I shouldn’t even consider that someone would actually want to date? Trust me, I know the majority want something casual, but there are people like myself who want more. But you don’t care.
(and because I believe in transparency, I got a little feisty after this and swore a lot, so I warned you…)
Me: So go fuck yourself because I am sure no one else will, hence your anger. And thanks for the compliment they’re fucking fantastic, asshole.
Cray: Oh you mad??? Don’t be rude. See why you’re single? You’re trying to compete in Miami acting like that? Haha
Me: (trying to redeem myself after I remembered Jesus knows my heart) Have a blessed day
Cray: Also, as you know, you’re trying to compete in Miami agains VERY pretty women. Good luck my dude.
Me: Hahaha you’re right.
SoI went from someone who had boobs you liked to a dude that you have no interest in because I’m a liberal American? Ok, cool. My unsolicited advice for everyone I know who’s married, engaged, or been with their annoying girlfriend for two years: STAY. Figure it out. Work through the fights. The fact that he watches football for 10 hours straight on a Sunday is not that serious. I know secondhand that relationships are hard work, and no one should ever stay in a relationship if they are truly not happy. But if you’re considering breaking up a seven-year marriage because she can’t stop shopping at HomeGoods, MAKE A BUDGET. Go to counseling. Start at Ross and have her work her way up. As an expert single person, I beg all my friends and loved ones to keep it together. Because the alternative in this culture of constant gratification and the internet is so much worse. And I just thought of yet another reason why: now everyone has access to hit on you and act a fool. And they will call you a man if you don’t want to have sex with them.
Oh, and yeah, I’m on Tinder, so what? Whenever I brush across this topic of internet dating, someone always has to bring up their Captain Obvious opinion, like Mr. Liberal BS – that I’m on a dating app where most people want to hook up, so I should not be surprised that men are going to come at me and inquire on what my body parts look like in person. Reiterated newsflash: I know this. I know many, if not the majority of people on Tinder want to hook up, and I can respect that, but it’s ultimately not what I want. Guess what? Those same people are also lurking on OkCupid, Fishbowl (or whatever it’s called), Hinge, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and 100% of Grindr. But I know of people who have met girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, AND wives, on these same apps, and this is why a lot of people looking for relationships continue to maintain profiles: to keep their options open in hopes that they may make a similar connection. I may not be looking for a one-night stand with you, but I do expect decency. I have spoken to numerous men who tell me they want something casual, and I tell them I am not. We cordially agree to disagree, sometimes even wish each other good luck on our endeavors, and continue on to the next swipe. Unfortunately, a lot of men ( and some women) aren’t so friendly and get downright nasty with you if you dare say you don’t want to see their junk on a first date.
Internet dating is a gift and a curse, but mostly a curse. My closest friends in the universe have dating apps to thank for their spouses and partners, and for that I am grateful. I have also dated several people I met online, some I’m still close to. But I’ve also been hit on from prison, from the living room of a man who shared said living room with his wife, and around 72 men who have eagerly mentioned that they’ve never been with a “black chick”, and oh, would I like a unsolicited picture of their penis? Yes, please.
When getting to know a man or a woman was restricted to in-person, random encounters in the local sports bar, you could get a good first impression of someone, that influenced whether you wanted to go out with them or not. Let’s say you actually meet someone at said bar who’s cute, funny, and is clearly into you. You then would make a smart decision to ask them out, and hope all goes well. You may very well go on 1st dates with other people, but if you have a connection, you might make the smart decision to see how things develop.
Today? I, along with everyone else, can just swipe right on 30 people straight, maybe match with 15, actually exchange messages with 7, and attempt to go out with 2. Can’t do that in a bar. I wish I could walk around Buffalo Wild Wings and just tap 30 dudes on the shoulder, and talk to 20 of them, and go out with 5. Actually I probably wouldn’t, because it sounds exhausting. And of those 30 men, I assume not all are even remotely a good match for me, so I likely wouldn’t even have conversations with all of them. I hate to say it, but “back in the day”, you made your connections count. Now I’m stuck talking to all 30 people, 27 of which I would never give them time of day if I met them on the street. I will never be one to say that there are no good people out in the world to date. I know there are, I might unearth one for myself. I just have to weed through a bunch of questionable photographs and propositions to meet him.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS